Sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was inundated with it on Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, even Saturday Night Live. This year it was even more bitter than in years past because I should have been pregnant. But I wasn't and I'm not. For me this year it was just another painful reminder of failure, of what I'm not, of what we're not. And to add insult to injury it was CD1.

We went to church and I had several people wish me 'Happy Mother's Day', not their fault, we haven't been going long enough for anyone to know us or our situation. We came home and called our mothers and then went to Lowe's to buy soil for the garden. We spent the rest of the afternoon working in the yard. Later in the afternoon my phone rang and it was my friend/neighbor (two streets back) Sarah. She had something for me and want to drop by. She came over and brought me some presents and a card and even hugged me despite the fact I smelled like dirt and sweat. I can't tell you how much it meant to me for her to do that. Besides being a thoughtful and kind friend, she's also an awesome gardener, quilter, knitter and generally great person. Her visit totally brightened up my otherwise gray day.

Sarah you're the best <3

Indecision

I feel like we're treading water right now. We thought we had a plan but the more we mull over our 'plan' the less sure we are of it. Do we really want to spend another $13,000 + on IVF 3.0 which does not guarantee that we'll be parents? Do we do another IUI? Do we move on? We're both tired of shelling out money and not getting any closer to our goal. I've had a really hard time these last few days, I'm just so mad. I'm probably on the verge of being depressed. Monday all I wanted to do was stay at home, knit and watch Criminal Minds. I realize this is not healthy. Yesterday I ate cereal for lunch and dinner and I skipped knitting night. I have never missed knitting night when I was in town, in fact the only times I've missed have been when I'm out of town.

I'm tired of having infertility hanging over our heads, we want to move on to something that will make us parents. I'm still not sure what we're going to do exactly. I'm so jealous of people who just magically wake up one day and 'know' what they're supposed to do. People who feel led to adopt or do whatever it is that will put them on  the path to parenthood. This whole situation just sucks.

CD21 - waiting, per usual

Nothing new to report here. I was kind of crampy yesterday which lead me to believe it's a sign of the impending doom of CD1. As of right now I don't think we'll cycle next month, which makes a little depressed even though it makes sense not to. I turn 30 next month and I won't be a mother or even on my way to being a mother.There are a lot of things I thought I would have accomplished by this age but I haven't.

It's been a tough few weeks for this infertile on FB. Lots of babies, pregnancies, etc. I'm very happy for these friends and family, but it's hard not to be a tiny bit sad about my own lack of reproduction. I've also felt really upset about Doug not having the opportunity to be a biological father. I know, I know, biology isn't everything - but with his father dying so early and his own battle with cancer it would just be an amazing gift for him . He's going to be an excellent father no matter the genetics of any future child. Of course I say that with the increasingly real possibility that I may not be a biological mother either. This is when I get the maddest and the saddest, when I think very hard about those things. We've done what we were 'supposed' to and yet here we are, six years and tens of thousands of dollars later and no baby. 

Sometimes I worry I've let this struggle turn me into a bitter person.

Follicle check #3: Trigger happy

I was late to the clinic this morning because I stopped and got a latte. In my defense they've been kept me waiting for 20 minutes or more lately. Quick and easy blood draw and quick and easy ultrasound. The nurse (not my normal one) asked "Do you have a left ovary?" Bwahaha. I said yes I did but it seemed to be sitting this cycle out. My lining is 9+ and there are three follicle on my right ovary. One 21mm, one 17mm and one 15mm. Trigger shot is tonight and IUI is Wednesday at 9AM. I hope that 21mm hangs in there until Wednesday.

Doug and I celebrated our 7th anniversary yesterday, I can't believe it's been that long. We've been 'together' for 10 years this coming September. Our first RE appointment anniversary is this November, it will 7 years too. My chart is starting to resemble a novel. I saw it the other day and almost laughed, it's so thick.

I can tell that something in Doug is changing, he's always wanted kids and he's always been 100% on board with everything we've done but I think he's finally getting that yearning feeling I've had since the beginning. He's made comments lately about when we have a kid and what it'll be like. 

Acupuncture is still going well, this week's tea is gag-worthy. It tastes like rotting mushrooms, dirt and spearmint licorice - but not in a good way.  He has put a couple of needles in my arm that made me flinch. It's not painful I just 'feel' it more than the others. 

Life is busy but I've managed to put together a routine of sorts during the week. After I get out the shower I brew up the tea, finish getting ready and then divvy the tea up into two jars and one mug. Then if I have a follicle check I head to the clinic. The jars get taken with me to work and I drink them at 9:30 and 1:30. My acu appointments are at 10:30 on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so once I come back from them I don't leave work again until 5:00. At 5:00 on Mondays and Wednesdays I run off to class and I'm on campus until 8:35. Then I drag myself home, eat a bowl of Cheerios, spend a little bit of time with my husband, choke down my last cup of tea, get my Bravelle shot and go to bed. I'm tired but not overwhelmingly so. I've kind of developed the attitude of "quit stressing, it'll either get done or it won't". I'm not saving the world over here so I think it's okay for me to take it easy. My English class is non-stressful, writing comes easily to me. Macroeconomics and math however, ick. Those subjects I need to try a little harder in. 

I know it's bad to not think positively and all, but I'm already thinking about the next cycle. I'm hoping we can just do a less aggressive protocol with maybe Femara and a few doses of Bravelle mixed in there. Although based on the current results with all the Bravelle I'm taking now that may not be the best idea.