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Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 28, 2011

On Saturday morning (November 19) I took a First Response Early Detection test at 6AM, I was 8dp3dt. At first I thought it was only showing one line and then, miraculously, another pink line appeared, not a faint one either, a real second pink line. I woke Doug up and made him come look at it. We both got very excited but we also knew not to get too excited. The next morning (November 20) I took another test, also two pink lines, this one slightly darker than the first. I continued this pattern for the next two days, the tests stayed positive and the lines grew a little darker. 

My first hCG test at 11dp3dt was positive at 130, which is higher than my highest beta last year during my chemical pregnancy. On Friday, 14dp3dt, my second beta test showed my hCG rose to 415 and the nurse told me I didn't have to come in for a third beta and they scheduled us for a viability ultrasound on December 12th. My doubling time was 43 hours, with a 219% increase and I *think* that's good. We decided to tell our immediate family on Thanksgiving and a few close friends on Friday after the second beta.

We have been so, so, so happy but we're both cautiously optimistic. We know all too well how many things can go wrong and this is only the first of many hurdles we have to pass. Every morning I'm scared I'm going to wake up to cramps and bleeding. The wait until the ultrasound seems like eternity and I'm afraid if we make it to the actual ultrasound then there won't be anything there. I'm afraid of a thousand things going wrong.

The Land of Limbo

On Wednesday I went in for my blood draw and then went to work for an agonizing four hours. I left at noon and went home to take an HPT so Doug and I could prepare ourselves for the result. Well I expected a snow-white test - but there was a faint line. We were confused. We went and bought more tests, again two more tests with faint lines. We tried not to get too excited. Time ticked by while we waited for the blood test results. Finally we got the call, yes it is positive but your HCG is 22 (not good, insurmountable odds for an actual, viable pregnancy) so it could go either way. Limbo. It felt like the 2000 election, no clear winner. I rubbed my abdomen and tried to convince whatever was in there to hang on. I couldn't decide it if was better to get have gotten a negative or to have this teensy, tiny glimmer of hope, it just seemed cruel.

Friday I returned to the office for another blood draw and HCG test. I was not optomistic. Around noon I got the call, the number increased to 48, still could go either way. So the number did double in less than 48 hours (which is good) but it was still low. Sunday morning off I went back to the office for blood draw #3. The phlebotomist had a hard time finding a non-punctured vein to draw from. At one point I thought I was going to pass out because the first place she tried didn't work and she had to stick me again IN MY WRIST. So again I went home to wait it out. Before noon I gave Doug my phone to watch and got in the shower, thinking they wouldn't call until later. Well of course three minutes into my shower Doug comes to the bathroom and brings me the phone. The result? 123. This is good and the nurse sounded confident, I on the other hand am not. No more blood draws for the next two weeks, my veins are happy about that but I'm kind of scared. I need reassurance that there's still something going on in there. Monday the office called and scheduled me for an ultrasound on November 10th - 14 days away. This two week wait my be worse than the first one. 

My mind is constantly running, I find it difficult to concentrate on anything but "Is the number going up?" or "Is there really something in there?". I can't even say the 'P' word. My internet sleuthing (I know, I know I need to stay off the internet) has led met to conclude most low HCG levels don't end well, some do, but rarely it seems. I know I need to stay positive, it's just so scary. Plus in the 5+ years we've been dealing with infertility we've never really caught a break. It almost always seems like something goes badly. Even though I should be relishing my first ever positive test, I'm too freaked out to enjoy it.

Thank God for Valium & Dr. Edwards

Retrieval is on for tomorrow. We have to be at the surgery center bright and early at 7:00AM. Last night Doug gave me my trigger shot, which didn't hurt as much as I had feared. I also started to take Estrace, which is an estrogen pill. They didn't tell me why I should take it but my I assume it's because my estrogen is lower than they'd like it to be. I was instructed to take a home pregnancy test this morning to make sure the HCG had been properly absorbed. It was very odd seeing an actual positive one, all the tests I've ever taken have been void of a second line.

I'm getting anxious, so thankfully I have the valium to take tonight before bed. There are so many things to worry about, Will they get enough mature eggs? Will they fertilize? If they do fertilize will they make it to day 3? Will the transfer go okay, etc. One hurdle at a time is what I keep telling myself. Plus I have no control of what happens after the eggs are out. All I can do is attempt to relax and take care of myself.  

In other IF-related news, the Nobel Prize was awarded to Dr. Robert G.  Edwards, one of the pioneers of in Vitro Fertilization. Of course it was awarded thirty-two years after the birth of the first 'test tube' baby. The sad part of the article was this “Unfortunately he is not in a position to understand the honor he has received today,” said Dr. Michael Macnamee, director of the Bourn Hall clinic and a longtime colleague of Dr. Edwards. Sad.

The news yesterday led to a other media outlets reporting stories of IVF, which I thought was nice. Then I started reading some of the awful comments from people, especially after this CNN story. Then I realized some people are just assholes.