6wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written December 6, 2011

I am 6 weeks today. It's 6 days until our ultrasound. Truthfully I wasn't sure we'd make it this far. Every day without bleeding and cramping is a tiny victory. But the bigger, scarier moment of truth will come next week. I think if I had more symptoms I would be less scared. I still haven't had morning sickness or nausea, my boobs continue to be a little sore (probably thanks to the progesterone/estrogen) and my sleepiness has tapered off quite a bit. I don't feel like I'm pregnant, I feel normal. It doesn't help I've read in several places (here, here) that women that have morning sickness are less likely to miscarry. My worst fear is that when we get to the ultrasound (provided nothing bad happens between now and then) there won't actually be anything in there or if there is there won't be a heartbeat. We never catch a break when it comes to this process and I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had to order more PIO and progesterone suppositories today and I hated to do it because I felt like I was jinxing us again.

5wks2days

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written December 1, 2011

I woke up at 5AM this morning. I eased out of bed and into the bathroom, no blood. I went into the living room and sat on the couch, intending to knit a few rounds before I got in the shower. I started having some cramping but it was not uterus cramping, it was stomach cramping. My stomach was not happy with me. But still no blood.

I've felt fine since but I'm getting a rumbling, crampy stomach again (at least I hope it's my stomach). I'm so scared that the embryo has stopped growing. I really wish they had given me a third beta. I have resolved to not POAS because even if the embryo has stopped growing I'll still have hCG in my system and still have a positive HPT.

I feel like I jinxed myself because yesterday I pulled the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy out of storage. I bought it five years ago right before our first IVF cycle. It's brand new, the spine isn't even cracked.

We want this so bad, please little embryo be healthy and keep growing.

5wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 29, 2011

Things I am currently scared of:

Bleeding 

Cramping

Miscarrying

Not having morning sickness

Ectopic pregnancy

Missed miscarriage 

Blighted ovum

No heartbeat at ultrasound

Embryo/fetus measuring behind

Low heartbeat 

Embryo/fetus that isn't healthy

and every other thing that could go wrong between now and 40 weeks. Hell, between now and next week.

Last night Dr. Groucho called to congratulate me. He said my numbers looks really good and it was "night and day from last year."  I was wary of his call because last year the day after he called me that time I started bleeding and cramping the next day.

I currently have an unhealthy obsession with what's happening in my underpants. I go to the bathroom a lot to investigate and make sure there is no bleeding/spotting. For the last two nights I have woken up between 4:15-4:30 to go to the bathroom. This morning I woke up and found the tiniest, just-barely-brown speck on my liner and had a brief panic attack and couldn't go back to sleep.

My "symptoms" aren't very symptom-y. My incessant sleepiness has waned, my boobs are still sore though and the veins on my chest and around my hips and abdomen are still very distinct. No morning sickness/nausea, etc. I would feel much better if I was sick. I've never wanted to throw up so badly. I am having food cravings. Normally I love sweets, like waaay to much. My sweet tooth is normally insane but lately all I want is salty, meaty things. I am my third jar of tiny, dill pickles (the first was bought last Thursday). We have cheeseburgers from Five Guys last week and that's all I can think about right now. Someone brought me truffles last week and I tried to eat one today and ended up throwing away over half of it. I still want a cheeseburger. 

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a cleaning and I had to tell them so they wouldn't take x-rays. My dentist is kind of  bumbling, anyway after he told me I'd probably get pregnancy gingivitis he said "I guess you and your husband will be thinking about baby names now." To which I replied "well we've had seven years to do that." 

I am so, so, grateful to be here right now but I'm also so, so scared. Last year I had a miscarriage at 5wks, 2 days and as that same time-frame approaches I'm super apprehensive. I had to order another bottle of PIO last week and the pharmacy rep was going to send me two bottles and I asked that she just send me one - you know just in case.

+

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 28, 2011

On Saturday morning (November 19) I took a First Response Early Detection test at 6AM, I was 8dp3dt. At first I thought it was only showing one line and then, miraculously, another pink line appeared, not a faint one either, a real second pink line. I woke Doug up and made him come look at it. We both got very excited but we also knew not to get too excited. The next morning (November 20) I took another test, also two pink lines, this one slightly darker than the first. I continued this pattern for the next two days, the tests stayed positive and the lines grew a little darker. 

My first hCG test at 11dp3dt was positive at 130, which is higher than my highest beta last year during my chemical pregnancy. On Friday, 14dp3dt, my second beta test showed my hCG rose to 415 and the nurse told me I didn't have to come in for a third beta and they scheduled us for a viability ultrasound on December 12th. My doubling time was 43 hours, with a 219% increase and I *think* that's good. We decided to tell our immediate family on Thanksgiving and a few close friends on Friday after the second beta.

We have been so, so, so happy but we're both cautiously optimistic. We know all too well how many things can go wrong and this is only the first of many hurdles we have to pass. Every morning I'm scared I'm going to wake up to cramps and bleeding. The wait until the ultrasound seems like eternity and I'm afraid if we make it to the actual ultrasound then there won't be anything there. I'm afraid of a thousand things going wrong.

Tick tock

It's currently 5dp3dt (or it will officially be at around 12:45PM since that's about the time my transfer was).

Waiting, the most fun part of IVF! I read this blog post at Team Baby last week and it really hit home because I feel the same way. When you're stimming you're getting feedback every day, you kind of know what's happening in your body and stuff is happening. Once the transfer happens there's basically nothing else that can be done and you don't know what the hell is happening in your uterus, it's total lack of control. 

Everyone asks how I'm feeling and physically I feel fine, pretty much normal, but emotionally I'm a crazy person. My behind is awfully sore from the PIO shots and one side has gotten lumpy. I had the progesterone and estrogen check on Monday; my progesterone was 92.5 and my estrogen was 2320. Symptom-wise there's pretty much nothing happening that can't be attributed to the progesterone/estrogen. I have had cramping the last two mornings right when I wake up but that could be attributed to nervousness/anxiety/all that guacamole I ate. 

I'm probably going to be POAS before my beta because I would just prefer to know in the privacy of my own bathroom that it failed or it didn't. There's something about a nurse telling me it's negative that sets me off into uncontrollable sobbing. In my opinion it's better to have an ugly cry in my house than out and about in the world. I have not yet informed Doug of my plan but I'm pretty sure he knows after Monday I'll starting peeing on every home pregnancy test I can find. 

Transfer, IVF 3.0

Our transfer was Friday, 11-11-11, which some people think might mean good luck but at this point I'm wary of anything that might be considered good luck. Since we didn't have to be at acupuncture until 10AM we went out for breakfast. After breakfast I went to acupuncture for 45 minutes before we headed to the surgery center. Friday the surgery center was completely packed, the nurses were pretty apologetic, they had a lot of procedures that day. Once they brought me back we had to share the waiting area with a two other couples waiting for transfer as well as a woman who appeared to have just had some type of eye lift done and another woman who was behind a curtain and had abdominal drains in, ick. Dr. Downer came in and I have to say that maybe we just caught him on a bad day last year because he was 100% better this time. I wouldn't say he was warm but his bedside manner drastically improved and he was pleasant. I suppose I shouldn't call him Dr. Downer anymore. 

We transferred (1) 9-cell, grade 2; (1) 8-cell grade 2 and (1) 7-cell grade 3, they all had some fragmenting but I'm not sure to what degree. The grade 3 was the Doug embryo and the other two were the embryos with donor sperm. The nurse who was with us during the transfer was SO nice and sweet. When the embryologist brought the embryos in Doug got to look at them through the microscope which was pretty cool since he hasn't gotten to do that before. The transfer took no time and I had zero cramping, which was pretty remarkable. They wheeled me out to recovery and had me lie down for 30 minutes before I got to get up. Right after we left the surgery center we headed back to Dr. Needles office for another round of acupuncture and then we went home. Bless Doug's heart he waited on me hand and foot all weekend. I watched a lot of television, played on the internet and knit. I didn't shower until Sunday, after my 48 hours was up, and I was so ready, I felt grimy and greasy by then. 

I did get the call from the lab this morning that the remaining three embryos didn't make it. Two of them arrested after day 3 and one made it to blastocyst (day 5) but it was poor quality and didn't have enough cells to freeze. Granted, I imagined we wouldn't have any make it to freeze because we never have, but it still upsets me because what does that say about my egg quality and the quality of the embryos we put back?

I'm going to acupuncture today and I'll continue going twice a week until the beta, which is Thanksgiving week. This will either be the best Thanksgiving ever or the worst.

Here are our embryos, I think the one in the lower left hand corner looks the best (to my untrained eye at least).

Little reminders of optimism

Transfer is at Noon today. I have to be at acupuncture at 10AM, then the surgery center at 11AM to take a valium and fill up my bladder (more funtimes!) Despite my plan of sleeping in this morning I woke up at 6:14AM. I'm trying hard not to freak out but I hope all the embryos survived overnight and the grade 1's are still grade 1's and I hope the transfer goes well (Dr. Downer is doing it, ugh) and I hope and pray this is the cycle that finally works. Because in reality this is our last chance with either one of our genes, after this we won't be using my eggs/Doug's sperm anymore. It's sobering to think about and even more irritating to me that reproductively-speaking I'm young and women ten years older than me are getting pregnant with their own eggs. Doug believes everything happens for a reason and I tend to believe him but it's hard.

For happier thoughts these are some little reminders of optimism floating around our house this week:

 
The fortune from my cookie a few weeks back

My self-written message on the chalkboard in our kitchen

Flowers brought to me Monday by my very sweet and thoughtful friend