Wednesday, June 29, 2011

We are selfish and greedy./Are we selfish and greedy?

The internet is a blessing and a curse. As we come to grips with the realities of not being able to have our own genetic child(ren) I find myself looking for some type of reassurance about adoption, donor conception, etc. I have not found it. Instead I've found a plethora of blogs written by adult adoptees, firstmothers/birthmothers and donor-conceived adults that decry adoption and donor conception. Essentially, for me, reading the stories of some* of these bloggers has given me the impression me that no matter how much love, support and openness there is a child will never fully recover from not being raised by his or her genetic parents. One blogger wrote something along the lines of 'using donor sperm/eggs/embryos is using selfishness and greed to become a mother'. The blogs of many adult adoptees and firstmothers/birthmothers are similar in tone. The jest I get from them is that an adoptee can never recover from the pain of being adopted and a firstmother/birthmother can never recover from the loss and heartache experienced with choosing adoption.  Based on their opinions the options that we as an infertile couple have are a) live child free; b) foster/adopt older children in the system already; c) financially support pregnant women so that they can keep their children. That's it. "Sorry your bodies don't work any more but it's not our problem." "Have a dream of parenthood? That's just wrong and selfish on your part." It seems we're screwed not matter what. I know that adoption is not rainbows and sunshine, that it's the gain of the adoptive family is the loss of the first family. I also know that the current state of adoption is not the best/most ethical system either. I just thought that in spite of these things there was still happiness and love to be found for all parties involved - the child, the first family and the adoptive family

*I'd like to say not every blog I found on these subjects felt this way but what I personally found was a overwhelming majority of those with negative experiences vs. those with positive experiences. I have found some bloggers that share personal stories that are, while still difficult, more positive about adoption/donor conception.

Does wanting to be a parent make me selfish? I guess so. I suppose if I was a more altruistic person I (we) would apply to adopt through the state foster care system. Or offer our financial support to low-income pregnant women/couples. So yes, I am a selfish, greedy person. I want to be a mother, my husband wants to be a father and I'd like to be able to experience pregnancy. In all our discussions about adoption or using donor sperm/eggs/embryos we've never once thought about hiding the truth from any potential children. We want them to know their origins, the story of how they came to be. I will say that reading the stories of donor conceived adults has made me realize how important it is use to know the identity of any donors we choose. (We had already known we would have an open adoption if adoption was the route we took). I suppose in a way it's lucky the DIUI in January didn't work since it was an anonymous donor. 

As we continue to prepare for the opportunity to use donor embryos I hope and pray that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child via donor embryos, we'll be able to have a good relationship with the donor couple. Reading the NEDC blog gives me hope for that type of scenario. I know that having a child that is not genetically ours will be difficult, not so much for us, but for that child, as he/she grows into adulthood. I can only hope that the answers, the understanding, the support we give will help he/she understand why we made the decisions that we did, selfish and greedy or not. It is scary because embryo donation is still so new and the social and emotional ramifications will not be known for years. We can only try to make the very best decisions we can with the information we have. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011


We just can't make a firm decision. 

I'll begin by saying we are still going through the homestudy process right now. We were on vacation for eleven days and during that time got an email from the agency saying they had received everyone's recommendation letters except the one from Doug's boss. So Doug has sent him an email asking for the rec letter to be sent in ASAP. The agency email also asked if we were getting together homestudy packet, which confused me because we hadn't gotten any agency packet since the application packet. So I'm currently awaiting a response back from the agency. 

While we were on vacation we visited our friends and their twin baby girls, as well as my cousin and her husband and their baby boy. It was really great to visit all of them and see their little ones, but visiting them also brought to surface sadness on the part of both Doug and me. Neither one of us can't help but think about what our babies, 50% me, 50% him, would look like. It also brings to question should we really give up on our own DNA when we aren't 'out' of it yet? What if the 3rd IVF is the one that works? It doesn't help that I'm always out there in the IF blog world and see that women older than me are getting pregnant with their own eggs. I feel like we're insane for even considering it again. $13,000 (that we don't have yet) for another chance at having a 65-70% failure rate. Why can't we just be at total peace about moving on? I think when your (me) several months removed from any treatments it's much easier to 'forget' how you (me) felt when the treatments fail. My head knows that it's probably futile to continue IVF/IUI treatments with our own DNA but my heart thinks otherwise.