21wks3days

Another week closer to viability and to baby. We (me) are in severe nesting mode, we've lived in our house for five years now and haven't done a whole lot to it. So now as the prospect of bringing home baby looms, we want to try to do as much as possible to improve the house. We made a big list about a month ago of things to get done and our original plan was to tackle one thing a weekend but that goal hasn't quiet been met. However this past week we moved forward with a few items. We bought ceiling fans to be installed in our bedroom and the future baby room and on Wednesday we got them installed. We have a painter coming Monday to paint our office (aka the third bedroom) and we're getting estimates now to have our kitchen cabinets and countertops replaced. Based on the first bid we may end up doing some of the installation ourselves. We've picked out the crib and mattress we want but I want to hold off buying it until 24 weeks, just in case. Oh and we found out we got in our #2 daycare pick, it's little further from our house but it's a great program. It feels like it was too easy, I thought we'd be waiting until after baby comes. Haven't heard anything from our #1 pick, but I know they cashed our waiting list check so we must be on the list.

I'm starting to more consistently feel something moving around. It's still not what I would describe as a kick or punch, but a weird sensation in my lower abdomen. My sleep is not great, but that's about it, some nights I just can't get comfortable. This week I think the fact that everything is in bloom and the weather has been so odd has given me a sore throat, running nose, and cough, blah. But everyone else seems to be experiencing the same issues, spring blooming came much earlier this year. 

I still haven't heard anything from the clinic regarding that extra amount they want us to pay, I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I did get an email this week from the sperm bank we used letting us know our donor has retired. There are still vials available for purchase but once those are gone that's it. So now we're faced with the dilemma of waiting or going ahead and buying a couple of vials (to the tune of $715 each, plus the yearly storage fee). On one hand we hate spending the money right now, but on the other hand we want to make sure we have the option of giving this baby a sibling. Although when I start thinking about trying for a second baby I start thinking about the chances of lighting striking again. We are so very lucky to have finally had IVF work and I'm worried we might not be so lucky again. We haven't really talked to other people about it much because I'm sure they'll think we're insane, but we want to start IVF again for a second child sometime around baby's 1st birthday (provided nothing catastrophic happens). Our reasoning is that it took us 7 years to get to this point and we don't want to wait that long again. Plus my egg reserve isn't going to magically replenish itself, and I'll be 32 by the time we hopefully celebrate baby's 1st birthday, which is three years away from advanced maternal age. And since my ovaries are already aging too quickly and Doug isn't getting younger, it feels like time is of the essence.

Embryo Update, IVF 3.0

Well the good news is they all made it through the night, the bad news is that the two fertilized with Doug's sperm are not doing so great. Our clinic uses a grading scale of 1-4, 1 being the best, 4 being the worst. The two with Doug's sperm are a 2 cell, grade 3 and a 4 cell, grade 4. The four with donor sperm are a 7 cell, grade 1; a 4 cell, grade 1, a 4 cell grade 2 and a 5 cell, grade 3. To compare last year we transferred three 8 cell, grade 2 embryos. I don't think we've ever had grade 1 embryos before so if those two make it until tomorrow that will be really good. I don't have a transfer time yet because apparently there are a lot of transfers tomorrow so I'm waiting for a call back. 

I'm trying super hard to be optimistic but I have to say I'm a little dissapointed we didn't have more eggs/embryos to work with. Last cycle we had 9 embryos make it to day 3 (granted the ones that weren't transferred didn't make it to day 5 but still). My poor little ovaries. I know we are lucky to have what we have though and hopefully one of those embryos will implant. 

I'll go to acupuncture tomorrow morning before the transfer and then right after transfer, hopefully that will help my stress. Plus Doug and I have tickets to David Sedaris tonight and he never fails to make me laugh.

Fertilization Report, IVF 3.0

They called! I was on the verge of going nuts waiting. Embryologist called, he is new to our practice so this was the first time I had spoken to him. Anyway, out of the 10 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature and the other 2 were too immature. Out of those 8 we had them fertilize 2 with Doug's frozen sperm (we know that the chances of those surviving and implanting are almost zilch but we have to try). Anyway, the 2 fertilized with Doug's sperm (via ICSI) both fertilized normally. The remaining 6 were fertilized (also with ICSI) using donor sperm, out of those 4 eggs fertilized normally (surprising but I tend to believe its because of my crappy eggs not crappy sperm). So as of right this minute we have 6 fertilized zygotes. Tomorrow the lab will call us again and give us an update on cell division, etc. Last time we had two arrest overnight between days 1-2 so that could have again. We're just hoping and praying for at least three good quality, 8-celled embryos to transfer on Friday.

In other news, I have developed an awful headache and either my face is flushed or I have a fever. Off to locate a thermometer.

You can FedEx anything & other musings

Today I'm tracking our vial of donor sperm on FedEx's website. The precious cargo has arrived in my city but has not yet arrived at the RE's lab. Currently it is "On FedEx vehicle for delivery". We picked a new donor, with identity-release, meaning that if we have a child, at age 18 that child will be able to contact the donor. This has become important for us, for any donor-conceived child of ours to know his or her genetic parent(s). Maybe they'll want to know or maybe they won't, be we want to make sure that the option is there.

A close relative of mine recently made the remark: "Do you think God meant for you to not have children?" I was a little stunned at first but quickly recovered by saying that no I didn't, because I assume that God has given doctors, nurses, scientists, embryologists, etc., the knowledge and the skill to help couples achieve pregnancy. There's a lot of other things I was thinking at this time too but I most of them aren't fit to type out. Most people in our lives that know about our infertility have been super supportive so hearing this comment from a relative kind of blew my mind. I wonder if I should send this person a link to Infertility Etiquette?

Life continues to go on right now, we're just doing a lot of waiting, which I hate more than anything. It can seem that, at times, the whole rest of the world is moving forward at a dizzying pace and we're still here, waiting, seven years later. I'm trying so, so, so hard to lose the jealously, sadness and bitterness I'm carrying. I know it's not healthy but some days those feelings seep out in places and situations I don't even mean for them to. Although, as I say that I also have to say that I feel more positive about IVF #3. I was at acupuncture the other week and while I was lying there I just kept visualizing a nice, highly graded, non-fragmented embryo implanting and growing. Maybe I've just officially gone over the deep end but I keep thinking "It's got to work, third time's a charm. It will work." My daydreams about IVF cycles have morphed into daydreams about nursery decorating. However, despite the positively, there's still the very distinct possibility this cycle will not work either and we will have to make some difficult decisions. For now though, I'll keep daydreaming.

We are selfish and greedy./Are we selfish and greedy?

The internet is a blessing and a curse. As we come to grips with the realities of not being able to have our own genetic child(ren) I find myself looking for some type of reassurance about adoption, donor conception, etc. I have not found it. Instead I've found a plethora of blogs written by adult adoptees, firstmothers/birthmothers and donor-conceived adults that decry adoption and donor conception. Essentially, for me, reading the stories of some* of these bloggers has given me the impression me that no matter how much love, support and openness there is a child will never fully recover from not being raised by his or her genetic parents. One blogger wrote something along the lines of 'using donor sperm/eggs/embryos is using selfishness and greed to become a mother'. The blogs of many adult adoptees and firstmothers/birthmothers are similar in tone. The jest I get from them is that an adoptee can never recover from the pain of being adopted and a firstmother/birthmother can never recover from the loss and heartache experienced with choosing adoption.  Based on their opinions the options that we as an infertile couple have are a) live child free; b) foster/adopt older children in the system already; c) financially support pregnant women so that they can keep their children. That's it. "Sorry your bodies don't work any more but it's not our problem." "Have a dream of parenthood? That's just wrong and selfish on your part." It seems we're screwed not matter what. I know that adoption is not rainbows and sunshine, that it's the gain of the adoptive family is the loss of the first family. I also know that the current state of adoption is not the best/most ethical system either. I just thought that in spite of these things there was still happiness and love to be found for all parties involved - the child, the first family and the adoptive family

*I'd like to say not every blog I found on these subjects felt this way but what I personally found was a overwhelming majority of those with negative experiences vs. those with positive experiences. I have found some bloggers that share personal stories that are, while still difficult, more positive about adoption/donor conception.

Does wanting to be a parent make me selfish? I guess so. I suppose if I was a more altruistic person I (we) would apply to adopt through the state foster care system. Or offer our financial support to low-income pregnant women/couples. So yes, I am a selfish, greedy person. I want to be a mother, my husband wants to be a father and I'd like to be able to experience pregnancy. In all our discussions about adoption or using donor sperm/eggs/embryos we've never once thought about hiding the truth from any potential children. We want them to know their origins, the story of how they came to be. I will say that reading the stories of donor conceived adults has made me realize how important it is use to know the identity of any donors we choose. (We had already known we would have an open adoption if adoption was the route we took). I suppose in a way it's lucky the DIUI in January didn't work since it was an anonymous donor. 

As we continue to prepare for the opportunity to use donor embryos I hope and pray that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child via donor embryos, we'll be able to have a good relationship with the donor couple. Reading the NEDC blog gives me hope for that type of scenario. I know that having a child that is not genetically ours will be difficult, not so much for us, but for that child, as he/she grows into adulthood. I can only hope that the answers, the understanding, the support we give will help he/she understand why we made the decisions that we did, selfish and greedy or not. It is scary because embryo donation is still so new and the social and emotional ramifications will not be known for years. We can only try to make the very best decisions we can with the information we have. 

Needing a fix

I feel a little like an addict, I *need* to be shooting myself full of hormones and making morning visits to the RE's office. I read other people's blogs that are doing something, IUI/IVF and I'm not doing anything except waiting and it makes me a little crazy. Several times recently I've thought about us doing IVF again with our eggs/sperm but then I think about it and think about how crappy I'd feel if we wasted $13,000 + again and the feeling passes. I *know* the chances are better for us using donor embryos or donor eggs/sperm but the waiting is so frustrating.

On the homestudy front we went and got fingerprinted a few weekends ago, oddly at a gun range. The technician had trouble getting mine to work on the electronic fingerprinting machine so I may have to go back. Several of our references have sent in their letters, my brother, my boss and my best friend. I think we still have a few more out but they should be getting them in soon. We're hoping to get an appointment at the NEDC by the fall at least, their wait times are pretty long but hopefully once we get an appointment we won't have to wait too long for a transfer date (if nothing goes wrong). Until then I'm reading blogs of those couples who have gone through embryo adoption/donation, especially those who went through the NEDC, so I can get a better handle on the process. One of the bigger decisions we'll have to make is whether or not to use anonymous embryos or use embryos from a couple that we will 'know' (similar to open adoption). I'm leaning towards the idea of 'known' embryos, just because I want any children we might have to have the opportunity to know their genetic parents and siblings later on down the road. These are such big decisions to make and there's so little to go on because donor embryos are still such a new thing.

Follicle Report #1

I've been shooting up since Thursday night (or rather Doug has been shooting me up). 225IU per night and all I had this morning was one 13mm follicle on my left side and two smaller ones (not sure of exact size) on my right size. I was kind of bummed about this considering how much medications I've been taking. I guess I have to consider that I'm taking half the dosage I did for IVF. and the goal isn't to have as many eggs as possible. My instructions are to continue the 225IU for the next three nights and go back in Friday morning for more bloodwork/ultrasound. My best guess would be IUI Sunday but obviously I won't know for sure until Friday.

I don't feel nearly as bloat-y as I did with the IVF stimming. I have some pressure but nothing very uncomfortable. I have had a headache nearly every day since Friday and I'm sleepier than I have been but that's all for side-effects right now. 

We ordered our new donor Monday. Donor #6955 is a chemistry graduate student at Harvard and according to the lab staff he looks just like Mark Ruffalo. Ironic, considering he was just in a movie were he played a sperm donor.

Off to give my ovaries a pep talk.

Good news for a change

Finally broke down and called the clinic yesterday afternoon. Coordinator-nurse called me back and said they did receive HSG results and tubes are clear! Even better, they are going to be on-call during New Years so when AF arrives we can cycle! Now I just have to order my Bravelle and we have to finalize our donor selection. It's progress!

Bloodletting (literally & figuratively)

IVF #2: The Final Chapter has officially begun. Thursday morning I went in for my baseline ultrasound and blood draw. I got to the office about 7:35AM and it was packed. I couldn't believe how many people were waiting. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. The ultrasound was quick, the nurse I like the best (she thinks I'm hilarious for some reason) did it. Then I had to go have my blood drawn. The phlebotomist really sweet but I have craptastic veins and she stuck me once in the crook of my arm and that went badly. She quickly changed her plans and did the draw with a teensy needle on top of my hand. Both sticks left some pretty impressive bruises.

I began Bravelle injections Saturday night and the other oral meds too. Getting the Letrozole and the Dexamethasone was a fiasco. Originally I had my nurse send the prescription to our insurance specialty pharmacy. I called them to confirm they could get it to me by Saturday - they could not. So I had to cancel the order, call the nurse again and have her fax it over to Walgreen's. Then Walgreen's told me my insurance company was denying it because I had just gotten it filled. This resulted in me calling the specialty pharmacy, calling the insurance company and calling Walgreen's. Eventually it was all sorted out and I got the drugs. So far Doug's done really good with giving me the shots, it doesn't hurt, just stings. Side effects include a dull headache and hot flashes. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday and had to turn on the fan I was sweating so much. 

We've also encountered a problem with Doug's stored 'product'. The embryologist called last week and to make a long story short - the stored stuff has fragmented DNA and will likely not produce a pregnancy. Both our RE and the embryologist strongly suggested we use donor. Big sigh. I'll admit neither one of us was really surprised. The surprising part was no one decided to mention it until last week. So, we've spent days combing through potential donors online and thinking about the possibilities if this whole thing works. We think we've found a donor at a bank in New England. Hopefully, if all goes the donor 'product' should be shipping out in a few days. Another downside, besides the obvious, is this donor 'product' is costing an additional $800. $800 we had not budgeted for, especially since we just had to spend $600 on our central air last week. Double ugh.