Transfer, IVF 3.0

Our transfer was Friday, 11-11-11, which some people think might mean good luck but at this point I'm wary of anything that might be considered good luck. Since we didn't have to be at acupuncture until 10AM we went out for breakfast. After breakfast I went to acupuncture for 45 minutes before we headed to the surgery center. Friday the surgery center was completely packed, the nurses were pretty apologetic, they had a lot of procedures that day. Once they brought me back we had to share the waiting area with a two other couples waiting for transfer as well as a woman who appeared to have just had some type of eye lift done and another woman who was behind a curtain and had abdominal drains in, ick. Dr. Downer came in and I have to say that maybe we just caught him on a bad day last year because he was 100% better this time. I wouldn't say he was warm but his bedside manner drastically improved and he was pleasant. I suppose I shouldn't call him Dr. Downer anymore. 

We transferred (1) 9-cell, grade 2; (1) 8-cell grade 2 and (1) 7-cell grade 3, they all had some fragmenting but I'm not sure to what degree. The grade 3 was the Doug embryo and the other two were the embryos with donor sperm. The nurse who was with us during the transfer was SO nice and sweet. When the embryologist brought the embryos in Doug got to look at them through the microscope which was pretty cool since he hasn't gotten to do that before. The transfer took no time and I had zero cramping, which was pretty remarkable. They wheeled me out to recovery and had me lie down for 30 minutes before I got to get up. Right after we left the surgery center we headed back to Dr. Needles office for another round of acupuncture and then we went home. Bless Doug's heart he waited on me hand and foot all weekend. I watched a lot of television, played on the internet and knit. I didn't shower until Sunday, after my 48 hours was up, and I was so ready, I felt grimy and greasy by then. 

I did get the call from the lab this morning that the remaining three embryos didn't make it. Two of them arrested after day 3 and one made it to blastocyst (day 5) but it was poor quality and didn't have enough cells to freeze. Granted, I imagined we wouldn't have any make it to freeze because we never have, but it still upsets me because what does that say about my egg quality and the quality of the embryos we put back?

I'm going to acupuncture today and I'll continue going twice a week until the beta, which is Thanksgiving week. This will either be the best Thanksgiving ever or the worst.

Here are our embryos, I think the one in the lower left hand corner looks the best (to my untrained eye at least).

Embryo Update, IVF 3.0

Well the good news is they all made it through the night, the bad news is that the two fertilized with Doug's sperm are not doing so great. Our clinic uses a grading scale of 1-4, 1 being the best, 4 being the worst. The two with Doug's sperm are a 2 cell, grade 3 and a 4 cell, grade 4. The four with donor sperm are a 7 cell, grade 1; a 4 cell, grade 1, a 4 cell grade 2 and a 5 cell, grade 3. To compare last year we transferred three 8 cell, grade 2 embryos. I don't think we've ever had grade 1 embryos before so if those two make it until tomorrow that will be really good. I don't have a transfer time yet because apparently there are a lot of transfers tomorrow so I'm waiting for a call back. 

I'm trying super hard to be optimistic but I have to say I'm a little dissapointed we didn't have more eggs/embryos to work with. Last cycle we had 9 embryos make it to day 3 (granted the ones that weren't transferred didn't make it to day 5 but still). My poor little ovaries. I know we are lucky to have what we have though and hopefully one of those embryos will implant. 

I'll go to acupuncture tomorrow morning before the transfer and then right after transfer, hopefully that will help my stress. Plus Doug and I have tickets to David Sedaris tonight and he never fails to make me laugh.

We are selfish and greedy./Are we selfish and greedy?

The internet is a blessing and a curse. As we come to grips with the realities of not being able to have our own genetic child(ren) I find myself looking for some type of reassurance about adoption, donor conception, etc. I have not found it. Instead I've found a plethora of blogs written by adult adoptees, firstmothers/birthmothers and donor-conceived adults that decry adoption and donor conception. Essentially, for me, reading the stories of some* of these bloggers has given me the impression me that no matter how much love, support and openness there is a child will never fully recover from not being raised by his or her genetic parents. One blogger wrote something along the lines of 'using donor sperm/eggs/embryos is using selfishness and greed to become a mother'. The blogs of many adult adoptees and firstmothers/birthmothers are similar in tone. The jest I get from them is that an adoptee can never recover from the pain of being adopted and a firstmother/birthmother can never recover from the loss and heartache experienced with choosing adoption.  Based on their opinions the options that we as an infertile couple have are a) live child free; b) foster/adopt older children in the system already; c) financially support pregnant women so that they can keep their children. That's it. "Sorry your bodies don't work any more but it's not our problem." "Have a dream of parenthood? That's just wrong and selfish on your part." It seems we're screwed not matter what. I know that adoption is not rainbows and sunshine, that it's the gain of the adoptive family is the loss of the first family. I also know that the current state of adoption is not the best/most ethical system either. I just thought that in spite of these things there was still happiness and love to be found for all parties involved - the child, the first family and the adoptive family

*I'd like to say not every blog I found on these subjects felt this way but what I personally found was a overwhelming majority of those with negative experiences vs. those with positive experiences. I have found some bloggers that share personal stories that are, while still difficult, more positive about adoption/donor conception.

Does wanting to be a parent make me selfish? I guess so. I suppose if I was a more altruistic person I (we) would apply to adopt through the state foster care system. Or offer our financial support to low-income pregnant women/couples. So yes, I am a selfish, greedy person. I want to be a mother, my husband wants to be a father and I'd like to be able to experience pregnancy. In all our discussions about adoption or using donor sperm/eggs/embryos we've never once thought about hiding the truth from any potential children. We want them to know their origins, the story of how they came to be. I will say that reading the stories of donor conceived adults has made me realize how important it is use to know the identity of any donors we choose. (We had already known we would have an open adoption if adoption was the route we took). I suppose in a way it's lucky the DIUI in January didn't work since it was an anonymous donor. 

As we continue to prepare for the opportunity to use donor embryos I hope and pray that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child via donor embryos, we'll be able to have a good relationship with the donor couple. Reading the NEDC blog gives me hope for that type of scenario. I know that having a child that is not genetically ours will be difficult, not so much for us, but for that child, as he/she grows into adulthood. I can only hope that the answers, the understanding, the support we give will help he/she understand why we made the decisions that we did, selfish and greedy or not. It is scary because embryo donation is still so new and the social and emotional ramifications will not be known for years. We can only try to make the very best decisions we can with the information we have. 

Highs and Lows

It's Wednesday. It's 4dp3dt (that's four days past a three day transfer).Yesterday morning I went in for blood work to check my E2 and progesterone levels. On the elevator up two ladies told me how nice I looked and they really liked my dress, yay. Upon entering the RE's office I was met not by the regular sweet phlebotomist but instead by the world's angriest phlebotomist. My veins are c r a p p y and this lady was not nice to them as all, she totally slapped my arm until it was red and then tied that pressure thing around way too tight. Wench. The nurse called me yesterday afternoon to tell me the blood work was fine and continue the estrogen and progesterone. She didn't give me the exact numbers, which is probably better because I would have spent hours obsessing and Googling what they meant.

On the sad front, the embryologist called yesterday afternoon to let me know none of the embryos were able to be frozen. I was pretty upset about that even though we knew the chances of having any left was pretty slim. She did reiterate that they transferred the three best ones and they looked better than our previous embryos. So there's that.

Emotionally I'm trying to hang in there. Last night I went to my knitting group and was surrounded by nothing but love and support. However I still came home and had an ugly cry in the bathroom. I felt flooded by the overwhelming possibility that it might not work and fractured my heart a little bit more. Eventually I blew my nose and wiped my puffy face, got my shot and went to bed. 

Physically, I'm really sleepy, which I'm guessing is from the hormone overload my body is receiving. I'm also feeling tiny ovary pangs, maybe they're shrinking back down to size? To top it all off, I got three zits yesterday which is kind of what led me to my ugly cry because I always breakout before my period starts. Must.stop.obsessing.

I know you have a little life in you yet

Today is two days past our three-day transfer. Saturday morning we went into for the transfer. We were the only people having a transfer on Saturday so we had the surgery center to ourselves, which was really nice. The nurse was great too. Doug and I got to spend some time together waiting for the RE and the embryologist to come in for the transfer. After emptying and refilling my bladder (fun!) and taking the valium (way more fun!) Dr. D, who is the third doctor in our clinic's practice, came in to talk to us. As of Saturday we still had 9 embryos, three were 8-cell, grade 2, which I think was pretty good, and the other five were so-so. After talking to the doctor and based on our previous failed IVF cycle and my elevated FSH levels, we decided to transfer the three best ones, the 8-cell, grade 2's. Doug and I had talked before about transferring three but I assumed because of my age they wouldn't let us, but they did. So yes, there is a chance of triplets, but it's a risk we're both willing to take. After we decided to do the three, the embryologist had to do Assisted Hatching on the third one before the transfer started. Shortly thereafter Doug got suited up in scrubs and hairnet and we went into the surgery room. Doug got to sit and hold my hand during the transfer, which was only uncomfortable because my bladder was full and there was a speculum. Apparently the pathway to my uterus was a little curvier than she expected so it took a little longer to get them transferred but they got in there. Afterwords, we got the petri dish they'd been growing in and pictures of them, which is totally surreal. 

 

I had to lie flat for 30 minutes after so I tried to find some 'appropriate' embryo transfer music on my iPhone. But is there really an appropriate soundtrack for an embryo transfer? I settled on this song from Kate Bush, which is in the movie "She's Having a Baby" which I thought would be a good omen. It also makes me bawl every time I hear it

After I was cleared, I got loaded up in the car, driven home and made our bed my fortress. I spent most of the bed rest knitting, watching terrible television and playing on the computer. Saturday and Sunday I had visitors, phone calls and text messages and it meant so much. This IVF cycle has been different from the last one in a lot of ways, but the biggest different is the overwhelming amount of support we've felt. There hasn't been a day that's gone by since I started this cycle that someone hasn't asked me how I was doing. Having that kind of love and support has meant so much to me. 

Tomorrow morning I go in for estrogen/progesterone blood work so hopefully those numbers will be good. I'm taking estrogen twice a day and the progesterone shot at night. We'll also find out tomorrow if any of the leftover embryos made it freezing or not. If we had just two make it to freezing I'd have a better peace of mind, but we'll see. My HCG bloodtest will be on the 20th. Instead of nail-biting and fretting I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and positive thinking.

Dr. Downer and Dr. Fong

I'm back at work today following the retrieval, which went pretty well I suppose. Really the worst part was getting the IV because my veins are for shit. Luckily I had an excellent nurse who was able to get it started on the first try. My anesthesiologist, Dr. Fong, was kind of great, he was an older Asian man with a thick accent but when I told him how sick I was after waking up last time he said he would make sure it didn't happen again. God bless him because there was no 'number 3-ing' yesterday - a marked improvement from my last egg retrieval. I got to change into the backless gown and despite bringing my own rainbow socks from Sock Dreams I had to wear the gray footie socks the surgery center gave me, blah. Doug got to come back and sit with me until they took me to the surgery room. Everything seemed fine until Dr. Downer came in to talk to us. Dr. Downer is not my RE, he's the other half of my RE's clinic. He did my last retrieval but beyond that I haven't had much interaction with him. First off he said "I'll be honest I don't know how many eggs we'll get since last time we got four." Buh? Last time we got 12 eggs but only 8 were mature and 5 fertilized. I reminded him of this immediately. Also he talked about how low my estrogen was. By the time he left I felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. My doctor, Dr. K, has been much more optimistic about our changes for success. Dr. Downer just made me feel hopeless. Sigh.

Last time I was already out of it when they took me to the room where they were doing the retrieval, but this time I didn't go under until I was in the room. I got a little panicky when I saw all the equipment and they put EKG monitors and an oxygen mask on me. The last things I remember was that "Beast of Burden" started playing on the MP3 speakers in the corner, my nurse read off my name and birth date to Dr. Downer, then I got really warm and I was out. I came to in recovery, feeling a little sore and dizzy. I remember before I was fully awake Dr. Downer came by and told me they got 11 eggs. I stayed in recovery for about half an hour and then they let me go to the bathroom before they took out my IV. I got dressed and rolled out to the car where Doug was waiting. I spent most of the rest of the day in bed, sleeping a little. I had oatmeal and hot tea and used the heating pad a little. Generally speaking I felt 100% better than I did the last time, not nausea and way more coherent. Today I'm a little sore and  have a slight headache but feel okay. 

I was waiting on pins and needles to hear from the embryologist this morning. She called earlier and out of the 11 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature, they ICSI'ed all 10 and 9 made it to this morning. Now we have to hope that a good percentage of those 9 embryos make it the four-cell stage tomorrow and then the eight-cell stage on Saturday. Our transfer is scheduled for Saturday at 8:30AM. We haven't directly spoken about it but I'm almost positive we're transferring two back (as long as we have two to transfer back). 

I'm still trying to think positive, despite Dr. Downer.