Friday, May 27, 2011

Needing a fix

I feel a little like an addict, I *need* to be shooting myself full of hormones and making morning visits to the RE's office. I read other people's blogs that are doing something, IUI/IVF and I'm not doing anything except waiting and it makes me a little crazy. Several times recently I've thought about us doing IVF again with our eggs/sperm but then I think about it and think about how crappy I'd feel if we wasted $13,000 + again and the feeling passes. I *know* the chances are better for us using donor embryos or donor eggs/sperm but the waiting is so frustrating.

On the homestudy front we went and got fingerprinted a few weekends ago, oddly at a gun range. The technician had trouble getting mine to work on the electronic fingerprinting machine so I may have to go back. Several of our references have sent in their letters, my brother, my boss and my best friend. I think we still have a few more out but they should be getting them in soon. We're hoping to get an appointment at the NEDC by the fall at least, their wait times are pretty long but hopefully once we get an appointment we won't have to wait too long for a transfer date (if nothing goes wrong). Until then I'm reading blogs of those couples who have gone through embryo adoption/donation, especially those who went through the NEDC, so I can get a better handle on the process. One of the bigger decisions we'll have to make is whether or not to use anonymous embryos or use embryos from a couple that we will 'know' (similar to open adoption). I'm leaning towards the idea of 'known' embryos, just because I want any children we might have to have the opportunity to know their genetic parents and siblings later on down the road. These are such big decisions to make and there's so little to go on because donor embryos are still such a new thing.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Where we stand

We are beginning the home-study process. We are currently undecided about domestic adoption. We thought we were on board but more reading/research has us unsure about the long-term aspects of domestic infant adoption. We are however still interested in donor embryos and we will need a home-study for that. We found a local agency to do it and just mailed off the initial paperwork/application to them last week. There was a fair amount of paper chasing just for the initial application so I shudder to think what the actual home-study entails. 

So we're pretty much back to waiting it out again. It's still hard because I know a lot of people with new babies and others who are expecting. Occasionally a wave of sadness will hit me if I think too much about last October, about where I should have been by now in terms of pregnancy, if it had lasted. Overall though I'm happy and excited for the immediate future. The summer, our trips, holidays, etc. I know that eventually our story will have a happy ending, it just may take a while longer.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was inundated with it on Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, even Saturday Night Live. This year it was even more bitter than in years past because I should have been pregnant. But I wasn't and I'm not. For me this year it was just another painful reminder of failure, of what I'm not, of what we're not. And to add insult to injury it was CD1.

We went to church and I had several people wish me 'Happy Mother's Day', not their fault, we haven't been going long enough for anyone to know us or our situation. We came home and called our mothers and then went to Lowe's to buy soil for the garden. We spent the rest of the afternoon working in the yard. Later in the afternoon my phone rang and it was my friend/neighbor (two streets back) Sarah. She had something for me and want to drop by. She came over and brought me some presents and a card and even hugged me despite the fact I smelled like dirt and sweat. I can't tell you how much it meant to me for her to do that. Besides being a thoughtful and kind friend, she's also an awesome gardener, quilter, knitter and generally great person. Her visit totally brightened up my otherwise gray day.

Sarah you're the best <3