Fear of the unknown

If you asked me what I was afraid of there would be a lengthy list: death, flying, clowns, ovarian cancer (I have no family history of this but it still scares me), zombie apocalypse, etc. I'm pretty sure my fears are inherited from my dear, sweet grandmother who is what you might call a 'worry wart'. Anyway, if I was going to generally describe my fears it would be 'fear of the unknown', 'fear of things I cannot control'. Guess what IVF entails? The unknown, things I cannot control. As my start day looms this week I can't help but feel scared to death. I'm afraid of all the steps that stand between us and getting a positive beta and then between that and actually birthing a baby (which I am not scared of at all). I'm afraid of not stimming well, not having enough eggs, eggs not fertilizing, embryos not growing, not having any embryos make it to transfer, not getting a positive beta or if I do get a positive beta I'm scared it'll be low again and thus give me another chemical pregnancy. It's overwhelming when you begin to think about all the steps involved. I'm also scared of what another negative will me for me. We have poured all of our resources (i.e. all our monies) into this cycle and after this there won't be anything else to spend on treatments for awhile. It will not mean we'll be done, but it will mean we'll be on a very extended break to try to save enough money to do something else again. And then there's the 'something else' part. Donor eggs? Donor embryos? More IUI's with donor sperm? I'm so sick of waiting and spending money and if this cycle is a bust I'll be back to that again. Will another failed cycle send me spiraling into depression? It's all unknown and it all scares me, but I need to buck up and push through, I can do this, we can do this.

You can FedEx anything & other musings

Today I'm tracking our vial of donor sperm on FedEx's website. The precious cargo has arrived in my city but has not yet arrived at the RE's lab. Currently it is "On FedEx vehicle for delivery". We picked a new donor, with identity-release, meaning that if we have a child, at age 18 that child will be able to contact the donor. This has become important for us, for any donor-conceived child of ours to know his or her genetic parent(s). Maybe they'll want to know or maybe they won't, be we want to make sure that the option is there.

A close relative of mine recently made the remark: "Do you think God meant for you to not have children?" I was a little stunned at first but quickly recovered by saying that no I didn't, because I assume that God has given doctors, nurses, scientists, embryologists, etc., the knowledge and the skill to help couples achieve pregnancy. There's a lot of other things I was thinking at this time too but I most of them aren't fit to type out. Most people in our lives that know about our infertility have been super supportive so hearing this comment from a relative kind of blew my mind. I wonder if I should send this person a link to Infertility Etiquette?

Life continues to go on right now, we're just doing a lot of waiting, which I hate more than anything. It can seem that, at times, the whole rest of the world is moving forward at a dizzying pace and we're still here, waiting, seven years later. I'm trying so, so, so hard to lose the jealously, sadness and bitterness I'm carrying. I know it's not healthy but some days those feelings seep out in places and situations I don't even mean for them to. Although, as I say that I also have to say that I feel more positive about IVF #3. I was at acupuncture the other week and while I was lying there I just kept visualizing a nice, highly graded, non-fragmented embryo implanting and growing. Maybe I've just officially gone over the deep end but I keep thinking "It's got to work, third time's a charm. It will work." My daydreams about IVF cycles have morphed into daydreams about nursery decorating. However, despite the positively, there's still the very distinct possibility this cycle will not work either and we will have to make some difficult decisions. For now though, I'll keep daydreaming.

Hitting the pause button

There has not been much to report around here in our reproductive life. The biggest bit of news is that we're putting the whole homestudy/donor embryo path on pause right now. We got the second packet of homestudy questionnaires and financial information requests and we even got an appointment at the NEDC. But then the tiny bit of waffling we had been doing got stronger and we both felt like we couldn't move forward just yet. It's a hard thing to say goodbye to your biology, to the dreams you had of a child that might resemble you or someone in your family. So we're holding on to our paperwork and waiting it out. We will most likely do IVF a third time before moving on the donor embryos. This time we'll know that statistically a third IVF cycle is not likely to work and we will most likely be spending $13,000 + without any return but at least we're kind of okay with that. At least we know we will have given our own DNA the best chance we could and after that it's alright to let go. I've had a lot of people (friends, my boss) tell me we should look at going to another clinic. That's been weighing on my mind heavily too. However when it comes down to it, doing an IVF cycle here, at a clinic 5 minutes from my office and 10 minutes from my home, is already hard - what would it be like flying to Denver or Las Vegas or even driving 5 hours to St. Louis? Plus we know the drill here, we know the staff, the surgery center, the doctors and they know us. I really like my RE, sure I haven't gotten pregnant yet but I don't blame the doctor. He's good, the practice is good, their SART numbers are good and frankly I don't want to start all over again somewhere else. We've been seeing this RE for almost seven years and my file is like an encyclopedia, I don't want to drag it elsewhere. Besides, if my eggs are bad, they're bad. We can try different protocols and medicines and supplements but going elsewhere isn't going to improve my egg quality, just like it isn't going to make Doug not sterile anymore.

I have to say that I never thought we'd be here all these years later. There are days when it feel hopeless, when everyone seems to be able to get pregnant without blinking an eye, when people are so clueless about the things they say and do, when the daydream of me being pregnant feels like it's going to stay just a daydream. But I have to snap out of it and realize how incredibly lucky we are, lucky to have each other, lucky that Doug survived cancer, lucky that we have options that others never had. We will get through this, we will be parents.

Where we stand

We are beginning the home-study process. We are currently undecided about domestic adoption. We thought we were on board but more reading/research has us unsure about the long-term aspects of domestic infant adoption. We are however still interested in donor embryos and we will need a home-study for that. We found a local agency to do it and just mailed off the initial paperwork/application to them last week. There was a fair amount of paper chasing just for the initial application so I shudder to think what the actual home-study entails. 

So we're pretty much back to waiting it out again. It's still hard because I know a lot of people with new babies and others who are expecting. Occasionally a wave of sadness will hit me if I think too much about last October, about where I should have been by now in terms of pregnancy, if it had lasted. Overall though I'm happy and excited for the immediate future. The summer, our trips, holidays, etc. I know that eventually our story will have a happy ending, it just may take a while longer.

Sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was inundated with it on Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, even Saturday Night Live. This year it was even more bitter than in years past because I should have been pregnant. But I wasn't and I'm not. For me this year it was just another painful reminder of failure, of what I'm not, of what we're not. And to add insult to injury it was CD1.

We went to church and I had several people wish me 'Happy Mother's Day', not their fault, we haven't been going long enough for anyone to know us or our situation. We came home and called our mothers and then went to Lowe's to buy soil for the garden. We spent the rest of the afternoon working in the yard. Later in the afternoon my phone rang and it was my friend/neighbor (two streets back) Sarah. She had something for me and want to drop by. She came over and brought me some presents and a card and even hugged me despite the fact I smelled like dirt and sweat. I can't tell you how much it meant to me for her to do that. Besides being a thoughtful and kind friend, she's also an awesome gardener, quilter, knitter and generally great person. Her visit totally brightened up my otherwise gray day.

Sarah you're the best <3

First-world-problems & tangible hope

This last cycle has been more difficult for me than in the past. Maybe it's because I'm mad at myself for entertaining the possibility that something miraculous could happen and it would work. Maybe it's because we're edging closer and closer to the reality that we will not be biological parents. Maybe it's because we have spent $6,000  in IF treatments since the beginning of this year (let alone last year) and we have nothing to show for it expect an empty savings account. Whatever the reason it's been hard - then I read this post at Funny Little Pollywogs and I gave myself a kick in the arse. I don't 'know' Lacie but I have been blog-stalking her lately and her statement about having a broken heart but having so much more rang true for me. I *do* have a broken heart and we are dealing with a crap situation but we are also incredibly lucky. We have good jobs, we have housing, food, supportive family and friends. There is so much sadness and misery in the world right now and I need to be thankful for the things I have. That doesn't make me any less heart-broken but it does put things into perspective. Now on to the tangible hope part.

Besides blogging about infertility, I'm also a knitter. On my other blog I write about baking and knitting and other stuff. I learned how to knit during a particularly icy Saturday afternoon five years ago. Since I started knitting I have happily made things for other people and their babies. People I was related to, people I was friends with and sometimes people I didn't know. Every time I knit another little hat I would also wonder when it would be time to knit for my own baby. Time passed and I still had not needed to knit for my own little one. At the beginning of this year I decided that now it was time to knit for us, for our future baby, because we will have one, however he or she comes into our lives. 

So I've been knitting for us. Since the first of January I have knit these little things. Two hats (huge pom pom courtesy of my friend Sarah), a vest, a sweater, an owlie snuggle sack with matching hat and right now on my needles is another sweater. I have caught myself picking these little knit things up and thinking about the time when there will actually be a baby to wear them. Every day brings us closer, even though we don't know when or how.

Indecision

I feel like we're treading water right now. We thought we had a plan but the more we mull over our 'plan' the less sure we are of it. Do we really want to spend another $13,000 + on IVF 3.0 which does not guarantee that we'll be parents? Do we do another IUI? Do we move on? We're both tired of shelling out money and not getting any closer to our goal. I've had a really hard time these last few days, I'm just so mad. I'm probably on the verge of being depressed. Monday all I wanted to do was stay at home, knit and watch Criminal Minds. I realize this is not healthy. Yesterday I ate cereal for lunch and dinner and I skipped knitting night. I have never missed knitting night when I was in town, in fact the only times I've missed have been when I'm out of town.

I'm tired of having infertility hanging over our heads, we want to move on to something that will make us parents. I'm still not sure what we're going to do exactly. I'm so jealous of people who just magically wake up one day and 'know' what they're supposed to do. People who feel led to adopt or do whatever it is that will put them on  the path to parenthood. This whole situation just sucks.

CD21 - waiting, per usual

Nothing new to report here. I was kind of crampy yesterday which lead me to believe it's a sign of the impending doom of CD1. As of right now I don't think we'll cycle next month, which makes a little depressed even though it makes sense not to. I turn 30 next month and I won't be a mother or even on my way to being a mother.There are a lot of things I thought I would have accomplished by this age but I haven't.

It's been a tough few weeks for this infertile on FB. Lots of babies, pregnancies, etc. I'm very happy for these friends and family, but it's hard not to be a tiny bit sad about my own lack of reproduction. I've also felt really upset about Doug not having the opportunity to be a biological father. I know, I know, biology isn't everything - but with his father dying so early and his own battle with cancer it would just be an amazing gift for him . He's going to be an excellent father no matter the genetics of any future child. Of course I say that with the increasingly real possibility that I may not be a biological mother either. This is when I get the maddest and the saddest, when I think very hard about those things. We've done what we were 'supposed' to and yet here we are, six years and tens of thousands of dollars later and no baby. 

Sometimes I worry I've let this struggle turn me into a bitter person.

I hate everything

Well, actually I don't hate everything but today I hate a lot of things. My bosses gave me this new project to work on and it suuuuucks. They want it done a certain way but don't understand there are limits to what I can do. I'm on spring break this week from school but I still have homework and I have an 18-page research paper draft due the first class day back. This weekend we cleaned a little bit and we both realized we really need to hire someone to do a deep clean. We just don't have the time or energy for it. I'm so busy through the week that when Friday afternoon comes around I just want to hole up in the house until Monday. Usually I have a vegetable garden but so far I still haven't cleaned up last year's garden or even bought seeds. I feel overwhelmed with the things I have to do and the things I need to do. 

I (we) also can't really come to good decision on where to go next on this long and never-ending road to parenthood. I change my mind every day or some days every hour. I thought we'd cycle again in March/April but the more I think about it the more I believe my body needs a month in-between injectable cycles, especially considering the left ovary situation this month. Then I don't know if we should do another injectable IUI cycle or just save our pennies for IVF #3. There are just no simple or good answers. We've considered getting a second opinion like maybe at CCRM but holy heck it's expensive - even just for the initial testing, that we've already had done at our current clinic. Plus we'd have to pay to travel there on top of the more expensive IVF cycle fees. If we had an unlimited supply of money we'd just go straight to IVF #3. However, considering we don't have Celine Dion's IVF budget we can't do that. There are so many other things we'd like to use our money for, house repairs/upgrades, travel, etc. but instead we're using it to do what it costs other people nothing to do. Hate.

The club I can't get into

I'm seventy-two days away from turning thirty, which seems completely impossible. Some days I feel like I'm still in high school. But I'm not, I'm an adult who has been working full-time since I was 19. I have a mortgage, I pay taxes, I'm closing in on seven years of marriage, I go grocery shopping, I have health insurance, I donate to charity, I'm responsible. Yet, when I'm around my friends/families with children I feel like a child myself. I don't feel like an adult, I feel younger, the way I used to feel when I was a teenager and babysat for my aunt and uncle. Being a parent seems like a special club - a club that keeps turning me away at the door. We had dinner Friday night with my family, including my sister-in-law who is a considerable amount younger than I am but she's a mother. Being around her makes me feel impossibly immature because I'm not a mother. I don't know if Doug feels the same way with his friends but I feel like I'm getting the "you wouldn't know because you're not a mother" vibe sometimes. Or perhaps I'm paranoid, that's more likely.

There is so much frustration sometimes because we've done everything we're supposed to, we go engaged, we got married, we bought a house, we've stayed gainfully employed - yet starting our own family continues to elude us. Sometimes I wonder if we should have done things backwards, would our luck have been different then? Sigh. 

I had my third acupuncture session today. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed - except when I have to choke down that godawful 'tea'. I don't know if the feeling is just in my head or what but as long as its useful I don't care. I'm currently waiting on CD1 to start, I'll probably order my meds this week, we'll be using Bravelle again. Oddly, I don't feel too much stress about the impending cycle - which is good - I think.

Anger/gratitude

I'm angry a lot. Angry at my body for not producing good quality eggs despite the fact that I've been trying to get knocked up since I was 24. Angry at the urologist/oncologist who never told Doug he should bank sperm before radiation. Angry at people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat but don't fully appreciate it. Angry at people who have children but abuse them or don't take care of them. Angry at the insurance company for not covering any of these treatments. Angry at people who say "why don't you just adopt?" Angry that in order to adopt we'll have to jump through a thousand hoops and have someone else decide if we're good enough to be parents or not. Angry at God. Angry at myself for being angry. That's a lot of anger to carry around.

When I find myself feeling especially angry and get the urge to have an ugly cry, I do (provided I'm not out in public). Sometimes you just have to have an ugly cry, you need to get it all out - it's therapeutic.  But after the ugly cry I pick myself back up and repeat the mantra "I do not know how or when our child will arrive but I know that one day we will be parents." Because in this world of infertility, of cycle days, of shots and follicles and big, fat negatives, this is the only truth I know. Thinking about it gives me a teensy bit of solace. I also remember how much love and support I have from my friends and family. It's really hard to stay angry when you know how many people care about you. People who care about you so much that they learn IF terminology and cry with you and wish so hard for you. Even people I don't know are hoping and praying extra hard for us. How can you stay angry when you have that? Eventually the anger turns into gratitude for what we have and how much people care about us. So yes, there's still flashes of anger and sadness but I'm trying so, so, so hard to be grateful and hopeful.

It could mean something or more likely, nothing

- Face has decided it hates me. Breakout 'clusters' on face, neck and chest. 

- Crampy 

- Odd nausea feelings, not full-on but enough for me to stay near a trashcan. (possibly a side effect of the ham & turkey croissant I ate at the UC on campus last night because I was desperate)

- A few other bodily things I dare not mention because even though this is a blog about infertility and infertility procedures, there are some things that are just TMI. However, these same kinds of things occurred during IVF 2WW. But that doesn't exactly instill confidence in me.

These are most likely symptoms caused by leftover HCG from the trigger shot. 

Back to waiting, waiting, waiting...

A little inspiration

Purchased today on Etsy from The Spotted Fox

Mantra

My mantra for the New Year:

"I do not know how or when our child will arrive but I know that one day we will be parents." 

Come on 2011...

A poem for today

Via The Writer's Almanac

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again. 

"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.

Quittermas

Doug has deemed this Christmas season "Quittermas", as neither one of us can be excited about it. Saturday we decided we would at least put up a tree. It was a miserable, rainy day and we went to the tree lot in the grocery store parking lot. They had the kind of tree I wanted (Noble Fir) but they were all eight feet tall and around $90, which at this point is more than we wanted to spend. We ended up getting a small Scotch Pine and it made me cry. The tree was not so horrible, it just snowballed from disappointment because I  didn't get the tree I wanted, into disappointment that I'm not pregnant during another holiday season. God bless my husband, he is a saint. Most men in his situation would want to run away from a wife that bursts into tears randomly.

Once we got the tree home we realized we needed another strand of lights, which involved us going to Target - on a Saturday afternoon - during the holiday season. It was a brutal shopping trip and they didn't have the same lights we had at home so we had to get a string of retina-searing blue LED lights. The tree is slightly crooked but we just don't care. 

I managed to get out Christmas cards to our immediate family but that's about it. I'm waiting for the onslaught on holiday cards from friends with uber-cute children. I don't really mind getting these cards but it can make me a teensy bit sad. 

Our trip to Seattle last week was nice, the city was decorated for Christmas and very pretty. We got to spend some quality time together and with friends, plus see one of the most beautiful areas of the country. I did come to the conclusion that the Seattle area must make everyone insanely fertile because I swear every five feet there was a pregnant woman or someone with a baby. We went to a urban craft fair and you couldn't move without seeing a baby strapped to someone. Even Doug was like "where are all these babies coming from?" 

On our own procreation front, I'm waiting until Friday to call the clinic and see if they received the HSG results and if they're closed for New Years. If they are closed then we won't be cycling until the end of January, if they aren't closed then we'll be cycling at the end of this month/first weeks of January. That will also mean we have to order meds and make our final new donor selection, all of which will run us around $1,800.00 total. Merry Christmas to us.

Blah Humbug

I have almost no interest in Christmas this year. I never thought I'd say that because as long as I've been alive I've loved Christmas. I have many happy memories revolving around celebrating the holiday. Most years I can't wait to get the decorations out but this year - well I just can't muster any enthusiasm. I thought about getting some of our Christmas things out over the weekend but I never did. We're leaving Thursday for a mini-vacation and we weren't planning on getting a tree until we got back anyway, but now I'm not really sure we'll bother. Part of the problem is I'm still in a bit of a funk. For all intensive purposes I'm a thousand times better off emotionally than I was a few weeks ago. But there's still an underlying layer of sadness I just can't shake off. The holidays are so 'child-centric' that dealing with IF is made that much harder during Christmas. I mean the holiday itself is about the birth of a baby right? Add that to the commercials, magazines, internet ads, articles, etc. that revolve around children and Christmas and its enough to make me go off the grid until January. It kind of seems like the message is 'unless you have children Christmas is no fun.' Sometimes it feels that way too. 

Another reason I'd like to skip right past the holidays is that I know we'll be starting a new cycle (hopefully) in January, provided AF ever returns. Anyone who knows me knows I am notoriously impatient and I feel like I'm just treading water waiting, waiting, waiting to return to the RE's office. It doesn't help that AF is still MIA, I'd really like a status report from my body about what's happening in there. Most information I've found says your normal cycle should return after 3-6 weeks, well it's been 5 weeks for me and still no sign of AF. We can't really move forward with anything until my cycles resumes and its making me crazy. Here's to hoping *something* will happen soon.

Looking for answers & direction

Dr. K called me Wednesday night, a much different tone of phone call than I received last Thursday when he called to congratulate me. He gave me the normal "this is not how we wanted this to turn out" talk. I like him a lot, even though we haven't gotten the results we've wanted he's always been very honest and open with us about our options and I don't feel like he gives us unrealistic expectations.  He said they can't really say why the miscarriage happened because it was so early and they didn't really have any tissues to analyze. He very truthfully said he doesn't know what we should do. If this cycle had been a total failure it would be easy for him to tell us we should probably move on past ART, but because *technically* I did get pregnant he's torn as to what to tell us. I told him we're just as torn about what to do. Based on our conversation, I'm pretty sure he thinks there's an egg quality issue. Now I didn't come right out and ask him that but I feel like that's what he was inferring. He said the embryos this time were not as good as the embryos from our 2006 cycle, which I thought was surprising. In 2006 my FSH level was around 12 and this time it was 9. With the use of donor sperm I thought we would have produced better quality embryos than last time. He spoke briefly about embryo adoption, via the National Embryo Donation Center. He's very enthusiastic about the process and said one of their former embryologists now works at NEDC.

Doug and I are compiling a list of questions we want to ask Dr. K at our appointment next week. We need some straight-forward answers about certain treatments aspects so we can make a better decision as to what we should do next. Doug wants to do an IUI cycle and use up the last of his stored sperm, even though we both know that the chances of success with that type of cycle is like -0%. However, for his piece of mind I'm willing to do it. Dr. K will probably think we're crazy but you gotta do what you've gotta do. We did agree we would just do Clomid for that cycle and save the big guns for donor sperm. In my head I think we should do one IUI with what Doug has left, two IUI's with injectables and donor sperm and then make the decision to either do one more final IVF cycle or more on to embryo adoption. 

I feel like I'm on information overload, but really its my own fault. All these possibilities pop into my head and I start trying to compile data on everything. I'm still trying to heal physically and emotionally from the miscarriage. I thought the bleeding/spotting I had over the weekend was it, oh but I was wrong. On Tuesday the bleeding came back with a vengeance and is still ongoing, it's like a very heavy period. Dr. K said it could last eight days! The cramping isn't that bad thankfully, but I have had several headaches, breakouts and nausea since stopping the progesterone and estrogen. Emotionally I'm still have mini-breakdowns at least once a day but it's much better than it was last weekend/Monday.

I'm so tired of the infertility roller-coaster, the ride is too long and expensive and I'm ready to get off. It's nearly the end of the year and by this time next year I either want to be pregnant or moving on with adoption, whether it be embryo or domestic infant.

Trying to look for the bright side

I've been making a list of things to look forward to in the coming weeks, in an effort to refocus my attention from all the sadness and heartache. First, I'm signing up for a six-week Meditation course at local yoga studio that begins in two weeks. I think it will be really beneficial for me to learn to relax and give my mind balance.

Then we have tickets to Iron & Wine on November 14th. I love, love, love Sam Beam and this will be the first time I've gotten to see him live.There's Thanksgiving and hopefully I'll be able to gather all my family together at our house for it. Our Seattle trip is about a month away, we leave on December 2nd for four days in my favorite place. I cannot wait to see our friends, eat at Volunteer Park Cafe, shop for yarn at Little Knits, take the ferry to Bainbridge Island and see the Olympic Peninsula again. This is my fourth Seattle trip and I fall more in love with it every time I go. When we get back it'll be the last week of school and then I'll be done until next semester so I'll finally have my early mornings and late nights back for awhile. It'll be Christmas decorating time soon too, as well as Peppermint Mocha time at Starbucks (even though I prefer local coffee shops I make an exception during PMT).

Our appointment with Dr. K is still on for November 10th, we're working on a list of questions to ask him about what the hell to do next. I'm hoping he'll be able to give us some promising information. We're really hoping he'll say that we could have success with IUI or IVF. If he suggests donor eggs it'll be the end of the road. We both decided that donor sperm + donor eggs might as well just go on to embryo adoption, plus its cheaper. We also want to ask if we should try another donor, if that would make a difference. My biggest concerns are he'll tell us I have more of an egg quality issue than previously thought or poor embryo quality or give us really low success rates for IUI or IVF. We'll just have to wait and see.