A few months ago I had a conversation with my boss, who knows about our IF troubles and is also super-caring and understanding. Anyway, we were talking about all the people at work/in my life who are pregnant and he asked me "Are you jealous?" and before I could answer he said "No, I guess you aren't really a jealous person are you." I thought about it and I said "No, not really, I mean maybe a tiny bit but not typically." Now I fully admit to having pangs of jealously about the ease with which some people are able to get pregnant but I feel like that's normal given my situation. Over the weekend I was blog-surfing and read the blog of someone I went to high school with. I wouldn't say we were friends, but we were always nice to each other. Well she's expecting her second child and she seems to be due right around the time I believe I would have been, had IVF 2.0 not ended in a chemical pregnancy. For some reason this struck me and made me jealous. Jealous because it seems so unfair that she gets to have this white-picket fence existence. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her life, I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for me.
I also read the blogs of people I don't know but who are pregnant, some of them posting light-hearted complaints about the not-so-fun parts of pregnancy. But all I could think about was how I wish I had those problems. What I would give to have morning-sickness, heartburn, swollen ankles or stretch marks. I would gladly take all of those symptoms and more if it meant I'd get to be a mother.
In the end I always go to back to the eternal question -"why isn't it our turn yet?" Haven't we waited long enough? Haven't we suffered and sacrificed enough?
I completely feel jealous. But I'm not jealous of other people's lives - I don't want their baby. I want mine. What I'm jealous of is the ease with which they do this, the carefree attitude they get to take towards pregnancy, their utter naivete at the ways pregnancy can end besides with a healthy birth, their feelings of *joy* and *happiness* instead of dread and doom when they get pregnant.
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