Monday, February 7, 2011

The club I can't get into

I'm seventy-two days away from turning thirty, which seems completely impossible. Some days I feel like I'm still in high school. But I'm not, I'm an adult who has been working full-time since I was 19. I have a mortgage, I pay taxes, I'm closing in on seven years of marriage, I go grocery shopping, I have health insurance, I donate to charity, I'm responsible. Yet, when I'm around my friends/families with children I feel like a child myself. I don't feel like an adult, I feel younger, the way I used to feel when I was a teenager and babysat for my aunt and uncle. Being a parent seems like a special club - a club that keeps turning me away at the door. We had dinner Friday night with my family, including my sister-in-law who is a considerable amount younger than I am but she's a mother. Being around her makes me feel impossibly immature because I'm not a mother. I don't know if Doug feels the same way with his friends but I feel like I'm getting the "you wouldn't know because you're not a mother" vibe sometimes. Or perhaps I'm paranoid, that's more likely.

There is so much frustration sometimes because we've done everything we're supposed to, we go engaged, we got married, we bought a house, we've stayed gainfully employed - yet starting our own family continues to elude us. Sometimes I wonder if we should have done things backwards, would our luck have been different then? Sigh. 

I had my third acupuncture session today. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed - except when I have to choke down that godawful 'tea'. I don't know if the feeling is just in my head or what but as long as its useful I don't care. I'm currently waiting on CD1 to start, I'll probably order my meds this week, we'll be using Bravelle again. Oddly, I don't feel too much stress about the impending cycle - which is good - I think.

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