More unfairness

This is so awful and disgusting. She can get pregnant but she kills her babies? W T F.

Tennessee woman smothered her newborn twins, police say

You can FedEx anything & other musings

Today I'm tracking our vial of donor sperm on FedEx's website. The precious cargo has arrived in my city but has not yet arrived at the RE's lab. Currently it is "On FedEx vehicle for delivery". We picked a new donor, with identity-release, meaning that if we have a child, at age 18 that child will be able to contact the donor. This has become important for us, for any donor-conceived child of ours to know his or her genetic parent(s). Maybe they'll want to know or maybe they won't, be we want to make sure that the option is there.

A close relative of mine recently made the remark: "Do you think God meant for you to not have children?" I was a little stunned at first but quickly recovered by saying that no I didn't, because I assume that God has given doctors, nurses, scientists, embryologists, etc., the knowledge and the skill to help couples achieve pregnancy. There's a lot of other things I was thinking at this time too but I most of them aren't fit to type out. Most people in our lives that know about our infertility have been super supportive so hearing this comment from a relative kind of blew my mind. I wonder if I should send this person a link to Infertility Etiquette?

Life continues to go on right now, we're just doing a lot of waiting, which I hate more than anything. It can seem that, at times, the whole rest of the world is moving forward at a dizzying pace and we're still here, waiting, seven years later. I'm trying so, so, so hard to lose the jealously, sadness and bitterness I'm carrying. I know it's not healthy but some days those feelings seep out in places and situations I don't even mean for them to. Although, as I say that I also have to say that I feel more positive about IVF #3. I was at acupuncture the other week and while I was lying there I just kept visualizing a nice, highly graded, non-fragmented embryo implanting and growing. Maybe I've just officially gone over the deep end but I keep thinking "It's got to work, third time's a charm. It will work." My daydreams about IVF cycles have morphed into daydreams about nursery decorating. However, despite the positively, there's still the very distinct possibility this cycle will not work either and we will have to make some difficult decisions. For now though, I'll keep daydreaming.

Taking care of myself

While we wait (again) I'm trying to be better to my body. There are some things that I'm willing to do and other things I am not (like give up the one latte/dose of caffeine I have per day). I have started seeing Dr. Needles (the acupuncturist) again. I'm going once a week and I am not drinking the herbal crap 'tea'. I still enjoy acupuncture and I feel like it helps my stress level tremendously.

I have also started yoga again. It's been over a year and a half since I was regularly practicing. I'm taking a class at a local studio and it's a restorative/deep relaxation class so it's me and about four other women (and one guy). I'm the only person in the class without some type of injury/physical limitation. I just wanted to take a less strenuous class, which is how I ended up there. It's kind of silly sometimes because I can do the poses without the supportive props but I remind myself I'm trying to be gentle to my body.

I've started vitamins/supplements again. I'm taking a prenatal, Vitamin D, fish oil and CoQ10. I'm not doing the DHEA yet because it gives me headaches and acne, even in small doses. Last year at my annual exam my OB/GYN noted that in my bloodwork that my Vitamin D levels were lower than normal so I hope the supplement helps. I go back on the 13th for my annual exam so maybe there will be some improvement.

The overall goal I'm working towards is less stress, less negativity, less jealously and bitterness, more hope. It's always hard, especially in the midst of friends who are expecting/just had babies. I went to Target yesterday for some random things and when I walked past the baby aisle I lingered for a minute, it smells overwhelmingly like baby (clean baby, not baby-with-poopy-diaper). Sometimes instead of suppressing the daydreams about us as parents, I let them bounce around in my head and entertain the thoughts of Doug rocking a baby that is all ours. Not a niece or a nephew or a friend's baby, just 100% ours. It's a sweet daydream.