Return to the RE's office

Before we get our hopes up about attempting IVF #3, I need to go get all my bloodwork checked out since it's been over a year since everything was last checked. This morning I made the all-too-familiar pilgrimage to the RE's office. The nurse was nice but tight lipped about my AFC count so I don't know if that was normal or not. I know I saw some but I don't know how many. I did get a "beautiful uterus" comment, thank goodness it's working well at least. They took four vials of blood (queue the queasy feeling) and are running my FSH, AMH, E2, progesterone, etc., etc. I won't get the results for at least a week, if not longer, but until then I'll live in a constant state of anxiety, positive that my FSH has jumped and my AMH has fallen down to the level of hopelessness. I've done a little more research on donor eggs. I'm not sure if our clinic has a donor pool or what, so if we wanted to use a egg donor we might have to go elsewhere. I shudder to think about how much a donor egg cycle would cost though.

Hitting the pause button

There has not been much to report around here in our reproductive life. The biggest bit of news is that we're putting the whole homestudy/donor embryo path on pause right now. We got the second packet of homestudy questionnaires and financial information requests and we even got an appointment at the NEDC. But then the tiny bit of waffling we had been doing got stronger and we both felt like we couldn't move forward just yet. It's a hard thing to say goodbye to your biology, to the dreams you had of a child that might resemble you or someone in your family. So we're holding on to our paperwork and waiting it out. We will most likely do IVF a third time before moving on the donor embryos. This time we'll know that statistically a third IVF cycle is not likely to work and we will most likely be spending $13,000 + without any return but at least we're kind of okay with that. At least we know we will have given our own DNA the best chance we could and after that it's alright to let go. I've had a lot of people (friends, my boss) tell me we should look at going to another clinic. That's been weighing on my mind heavily too. However when it comes down to it, doing an IVF cycle here, at a clinic 5 minutes from my office and 10 minutes from my home, is already hard - what would it be like flying to Denver or Las Vegas or even driving 5 hours to St. Louis? Plus we know the drill here, we know the staff, the surgery center, the doctors and they know us. I really like my RE, sure I haven't gotten pregnant yet but I don't blame the doctor. He's good, the practice is good, their SART numbers are good and frankly I don't want to start all over again somewhere else. We've been seeing this RE for almost seven years and my file is like an encyclopedia, I don't want to drag it elsewhere. Besides, if my eggs are bad, they're bad. We can try different protocols and medicines and supplements but going elsewhere isn't going to improve my egg quality, just like it isn't going to make Doug not sterile anymore.

I have to say that I never thought we'd be here all these years later. There are days when it feel hopeless, when everyone seems to be able to get pregnant without blinking an eye, when people are so clueless about the things they say and do, when the daydream of me being pregnant feels like it's going to stay just a daydream. But I have to snap out of it and realize how incredibly lucky we are, lucky to have each other, lucky that Doug survived cancer, lucky that we have options that others never had. We will get through this, we will be parents.

We are selfish and greedy./Are we selfish and greedy?

The internet is a blessing and a curse. As we come to grips with the realities of not being able to have our own genetic child(ren) I find myself looking for some type of reassurance about adoption, donor conception, etc. I have not found it. Instead I've found a plethora of blogs written by adult adoptees, firstmothers/birthmothers and donor-conceived adults that decry adoption and donor conception. Essentially, for me, reading the stories of some* of these bloggers has given me the impression me that no matter how much love, support and openness there is a child will never fully recover from not being raised by his or her genetic parents. One blogger wrote something along the lines of 'using donor sperm/eggs/embryos is using selfishness and greed to become a mother'. The blogs of many adult adoptees and firstmothers/birthmothers are similar in tone. The jest I get from them is that an adoptee can never recover from the pain of being adopted and a firstmother/birthmother can never recover from the loss and heartache experienced with choosing adoption.  Based on their opinions the options that we as an infertile couple have are a) live child free; b) foster/adopt older children in the system already; c) financially support pregnant women so that they can keep their children. That's it. "Sorry your bodies don't work any more but it's not our problem." "Have a dream of parenthood? That's just wrong and selfish on your part." It seems we're screwed not matter what. I know that adoption is not rainbows and sunshine, that it's the gain of the adoptive family is the loss of the first family. I also know that the current state of adoption is not the best/most ethical system either. I just thought that in spite of these things there was still happiness and love to be found for all parties involved - the child, the first family and the adoptive family

*I'd like to say not every blog I found on these subjects felt this way but what I personally found was a overwhelming majority of those with negative experiences vs. those with positive experiences. I have found some bloggers that share personal stories that are, while still difficult, more positive about adoption/donor conception.

Does wanting to be a parent make me selfish? I guess so. I suppose if I was a more altruistic person I (we) would apply to adopt through the state foster care system. Or offer our financial support to low-income pregnant women/couples. So yes, I am a selfish, greedy person. I want to be a mother, my husband wants to be a father and I'd like to be able to experience pregnancy. In all our discussions about adoption or using donor sperm/eggs/embryos we've never once thought about hiding the truth from any potential children. We want them to know their origins, the story of how they came to be. I will say that reading the stories of donor conceived adults has made me realize how important it is use to know the identity of any donors we choose. (We had already known we would have an open adoption if adoption was the route we took). I suppose in a way it's lucky the DIUI in January didn't work since it was an anonymous donor. 

As we continue to prepare for the opportunity to use donor embryos I hope and pray that if we are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child via donor embryos, we'll be able to have a good relationship with the donor couple. Reading the NEDC blog gives me hope for that type of scenario. I know that having a child that is not genetically ours will be difficult, not so much for us, but for that child, as he/she grows into adulthood. I can only hope that the answers, the understanding, the support we give will help he/she understand why we made the decisions that we did, selfish and greedy or not. It is scary because embryo donation is still so new and the social and emotional ramifications will not be known for years. We can only try to make the very best decisions we can with the information we have. 

Waffling

We just can't make a firm decision. 

I'll begin by saying we are still going through the homestudy process right now. We were on vacation for eleven days and during that time got an email from the agency saying they had received everyone's recommendation letters except the one from Doug's boss. So Doug has sent him an email asking for the rec letter to be sent in ASAP. The agency email also asked if we were getting together homestudy packet, which confused me because we hadn't gotten any agency packet since the application packet. So I'm currently awaiting a response back from the agency. 

While we were on vacation we visited our friends and their twin baby girls, as well as my cousin and her husband and their baby boy. It was really great to visit all of them and see their little ones, but visiting them also brought to surface sadness on the part of both Doug and me. Neither one of us can't help but think about what our babies, 50% me, 50% him, would look like. It also brings to question should we really give up on our own DNA when we aren't 'out' of it yet? What if the 3rd IVF is the one that works? It doesn't help that I'm always out there in the IF blog world and see that women older than me are getting pregnant with their own eggs. I feel like we're insane for even considering it again. $13,000 (that we don't have yet) for another chance at having a 65-70% failure rate. Why can't we just be at total peace about moving on? I think when your (me) several months removed from any treatments it's much easier to 'forget' how you (me) felt when the treatments fail. My head knows that it's probably futile to continue IVF/IUI treatments with our own DNA but my heart thinks otherwise.

Needing a fix

I feel a little like an addict, I *need* to be shooting myself full of hormones and making morning visits to the RE's office. I read other people's blogs that are doing something, IUI/IVF and I'm not doing anything except waiting and it makes me a little crazy. Several times recently I've thought about us doing IVF again with our eggs/sperm but then I think about it and think about how crappy I'd feel if we wasted $13,000 + again and the feeling passes. I *know* the chances are better for us using donor embryos or donor eggs/sperm but the waiting is so frustrating.

On the homestudy front we went and got fingerprinted a few weekends ago, oddly at a gun range. The technician had trouble getting mine to work on the electronic fingerprinting machine so I may have to go back. Several of our references have sent in their letters, my brother, my boss and my best friend. I think we still have a few more out but they should be getting them in soon. We're hoping to get an appointment at the NEDC by the fall at least, their wait times are pretty long but hopefully once we get an appointment we won't have to wait too long for a transfer date (if nothing goes wrong). Until then I'm reading blogs of those couples who have gone through embryo adoption/donation, especially those who went through the NEDC, so I can get a better handle on the process. One of the bigger decisions we'll have to make is whether or not to use anonymous embryos or use embryos from a couple that we will 'know' (similar to open adoption). I'm leaning towards the idea of 'known' embryos, just because I want any children we might have to have the opportunity to know their genetic parents and siblings later on down the road. These are such big decisions to make and there's so little to go on because donor embryos are still such a new thing.

Where we stand

We are beginning the home-study process. We are currently undecided about domestic adoption. We thought we were on board but more reading/research has us unsure about the long-term aspects of domestic infant adoption. We are however still interested in donor embryos and we will need a home-study for that. We found a local agency to do it and just mailed off the initial paperwork/application to them last week. There was a fair amount of paper chasing just for the initial application so I shudder to think what the actual home-study entails. 

So we're pretty much back to waiting it out again. It's still hard because I know a lot of people with new babies and others who are expecting. Occasionally a wave of sadness will hit me if I think too much about last October, about where I should have been by now in terms of pregnancy, if it had lasted. Overall though I'm happy and excited for the immediate future. The summer, our trips, holidays, etc. I know that eventually our story will have a happy ending, it just may take a while longer.

Sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I was inundated with it on Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, even Saturday Night Live. This year it was even more bitter than in years past because I should have been pregnant. But I wasn't and I'm not. For me this year it was just another painful reminder of failure, of what I'm not, of what we're not. And to add insult to injury it was CD1.

We went to church and I had several people wish me 'Happy Mother's Day', not their fault, we haven't been going long enough for anyone to know us or our situation. We came home and called our mothers and then went to Lowe's to buy soil for the garden. We spent the rest of the afternoon working in the yard. Later in the afternoon my phone rang and it was my friend/neighbor (two streets back) Sarah. She had something for me and want to drop by. She came over and brought me some presents and a card and even hugged me despite the fact I smelled like dirt and sweat. I can't tell you how much it meant to me for her to do that. Besides being a thoughtful and kind friend, she's also an awesome gardener, quilter, knitter and generally great person. Her visit totally brightened up my otherwise gray day.

Sarah you're the best <3