And...we're off

Somewhere around 13 antral follicles this morning, which is a little lower than back in May. Hmmph.. Not sure about the estradiol number, but nurse said everything looks good. I start stimming tonight with 225IU of Bravelle and continue that until Tuesday morning when I go back in for ultrasound and bloodwork.

Pre-cycle Freakout

Right before the baseline ultrasound these are the things that I think about and that freak me out.

Is my FSH going to be higher?
Will my antral follicle count be okay?
What's my E2?
Please let me stim well, lots of follies!
But not so well that we have to cancel
Oh god am I going to run out of drugs? 
Twins would be manageable right?
Twins! Hah, you'll be lucky to get one good egg out of this cycle.
Am I having a hot flash?

Change of plans - again

So now we are cycling this month. We had to move some money around but on a wing and a prayer we're cycling. Bravelle is shipping today and my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork is tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed for no surprises or sudden jumps in FSH/E2 and a healthy AFC.

Mantra

My mantra for the New Year:

"I do not know how or when our child will arrive but I know that one day we will be parents." 

Come on 2011...

Sidelined

Well it looks like we'll be sitting this coming cycle out. I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with our budget yesterday and unfortunately we just can't swing the $3,000 + needed by next week to do an dIUI/injectables cycle. After our vacation and the out-of-pocket HSG test, plus holidays gifts for the family, we can't make the math work. So we're sidelined until January/February. It sucks to have to wait (again) but it's probably better on my body to wait one more cycle anyway. Also as of January 1 our Healthcare Savings Account will be replenished and it won't be as much of a financial strain.After six years I really should be more accustomed to waiting but I'm not. I continue to try to think positively about the new year and the outcomes we hope for. Each day puts us that much closer to parenthood, whichever way it comes.

Good news for a change

Finally broke down and called the clinic yesterday afternoon. Coordinator-nurse called me back and said they did receive HSG results and tubes are clear! Even better, they are going to be on-call during New Years so when AF arrives we can cycle! Now I just have to order my Bravelle and we have to finalize our donor selection. It's progress!

A poem for today

Via The Writer's Almanac

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again. 

"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.