First-world-problems & tangible hope

This last cycle has been more difficult for me than in the past. Maybe it's because I'm mad at myself for entertaining the possibility that something miraculous could happen and it would work. Maybe it's because we're edging closer and closer to the reality that we will not be biological parents. Maybe it's because we have spent $6,000  in IF treatments since the beginning of this year (let alone last year) and we have nothing to show for it expect an empty savings account. Whatever the reason it's been hard - then I read this post at Funny Little Pollywogs and I gave myself a kick in the arse. I don't 'know' Lacie but I have been blog-stalking her lately and her statement about having a broken heart but having so much more rang true for me. I *do* have a broken heart and we are dealing with a crap situation but we are also incredibly lucky. We have good jobs, we have housing, food, supportive family and friends. There is so much sadness and misery in the world right now and I need to be thankful for the things I have. That doesn't make me any less heart-broken but it does put things into perspective. Now on to the tangible hope part.

Besides blogging about infertility, I'm also a knitter. On my other blog I write about baking and knitting and other stuff. I learned how to knit during a particularly icy Saturday afternoon five years ago. Since I started knitting I have happily made things for other people and their babies. People I was related to, people I was friends with and sometimes people I didn't know. Every time I knit another little hat I would also wonder when it would be time to knit for my own baby. Time passed and I still had not needed to knit for my own little one. At the beginning of this year I decided that now it was time to knit for us, for our future baby, because we will have one, however he or she comes into our lives. 

So I've been knitting for us. Since the first of January I have knit these little things. Two hats (huge pom pom courtesy of my friend Sarah), a vest, a sweater, an owlie snuggle sack with matching hat and right now on my needles is another sweater. I have caught myself picking these little knit things up and thinking about the time when there will actually be a baby to wear them. Every day brings us closer, even though we don't know when or how.

Keeping my head above water

Still here. We're planning on dIUI #2 (overall IUI #5) in April. We're also making some moves towards other options, nothing concrete yet, just preliminary stuff. I'm feeling a little better, although the last few weekends I have barely wanted to leave the house. It's much easier to be at home where I'm insulated from the outside world. I'm still seeing the acupuncturist, although since we aren't cycling I'm down to one session per week instead of three and I haven't been very good about drinking all of my tea every day. Oops.

I bought several adoption books for us to read, The Adoption Decision, The Family of Adoption, and Parenting Your Adopted Child. There doesn't seem to be a book (that I can find yet) written about embryo adoption/donation, so I'm of looking for a book on third-party reproduction to see if some of that can apply. 

I have come to a realization that if embryo adoption/donation does not work, I would like to go the egg donor route at some point so that I could have the opportunity to be pregnant. That's a really important thing to me and I realize that we may end up adopting domestically first and then maybe in a few years doing donor-egg. I have been perusing adoption agencies too and have found a couple of good contenders. They're located out-of-state but their philosophies fit better with our lifestyle and beliefs.

All and all we're both hanging in there. We're planning a massive road trip across the country for early-June and we're getting really exciting about that.

Indecision

I feel like we're treading water right now. We thought we had a plan but the more we mull over our 'plan' the less sure we are of it. Do we really want to spend another $13,000 + on IVF 3.0 which does not guarantee that we'll be parents? Do we do another IUI? Do we move on? We're both tired of shelling out money and not getting any closer to our goal. I've had a really hard time these last few days, I'm just so mad. I'm probably on the verge of being depressed. Monday all I wanted to do was stay at home, knit and watch Criminal Minds. I realize this is not healthy. Yesterday I ate cereal for lunch and dinner and I skipped knitting night. I have never missed knitting night when I was in town, in fact the only times I've missed have been when I'm out of town.

I'm tired of having infertility hanging over our heads, we want to move on to something that will make us parents. I'm still not sure what we're going to do exactly. I'm so jealous of people who just magically wake up one day and 'know' what they're supposed to do. People who feel led to adopt or do whatever it is that will put them on  the path to parenthood. This whole situation just sucks.

CD1 - confirmation of failure

I'm feeling a combination of hopelessness and rage. Mostly rage. You would think every negative cycle would get easier. It doesn't. I will be better tomorrow but today I'm just f-ing pissed off.

CD21 - waiting, per usual

Nothing new to report here. I was kind of crampy yesterday which lead me to believe it's a sign of the impending doom of CD1. As of right now I don't think we'll cycle next month, which makes a little depressed even though it makes sense not to. I turn 30 next month and I won't be a mother or even on my way to being a mother.There are a lot of things I thought I would have accomplished by this age but I haven't.

It's been a tough few weeks for this infertile on FB. Lots of babies, pregnancies, etc. I'm very happy for these friends and family, but it's hard not to be a tiny bit sad about my own lack of reproduction. I've also felt really upset about Doug not having the opportunity to be a biological father. I know, I know, biology isn't everything - but with his father dying so early and his own battle with cancer it would just be an amazing gift for him . He's going to be an excellent father no matter the genetics of any future child. Of course I say that with the increasingly real possibility that I may not be a biological mother either. This is when I get the maddest and the saddest, when I think very hard about those things. We've done what we were 'supposed' to and yet here we are, six years and tens of thousands of dollars later and no baby. 

Sometimes I worry I've let this struggle turn me into a bitter person.

I hate everything

Well, actually I don't hate everything but today I hate a lot of things. My bosses gave me this new project to work on and it suuuuucks. They want it done a certain way but don't understand there are limits to what I can do. I'm on spring break this week from school but I still have homework and I have an 18-page research paper draft due the first class day back. This weekend we cleaned a little bit and we both realized we really need to hire someone to do a deep clean. We just don't have the time or energy for it. I'm so busy through the week that when Friday afternoon comes around I just want to hole up in the house until Monday. Usually I have a vegetable garden but so far I still haven't cleaned up last year's garden or even bought seeds. I feel overwhelmed with the things I have to do and the things I need to do. 

I (we) also can't really come to good decision on where to go next on this long and never-ending road to parenthood. I change my mind every day or some days every hour. I thought we'd cycle again in March/April but the more I think about it the more I believe my body needs a month in-between injectable cycles, especially considering the left ovary situation this month. Then I don't know if we should do another injectable IUI cycle or just save our pennies for IVF #3. There are just no simple or good answers. We've considered getting a second opinion like maybe at CCRM but holy heck it's expensive - even just for the initial testing, that we've already had done at our current clinic. Plus we'd have to pay to travel there on top of the more expensive IVF cycle fees. If we had an unlimited supply of money we'd just go straight to IVF #3. However, considering we don't have Celine Dion's IVF budget we can't do that. There are so many other things we'd like to use our money for, house repairs/upgrades, travel, etc. but instead we're using it to do what it costs other people nothing to do. Hate.

You know you're infertile when...

You have to Google "fertilization and conception" for a diagram because you can't remember how it's supposed to work without the involvement of a reproductive endocrinologist, an embryologist and a team of healthcare professionals. Someone needs a refresher in Sex-Ed.

IUI #4

Got to clinic at 9AM, waited f o r e v e r. We had to wait so long Doug had to leave for a meeting. Eventually they came out and said the vial the lab thawed only had a count of 4.3 million and did we want to thaw another vial to add to it? I said yes please and had to wait again while they thawed the second vial out. Finally I got called back and the total count was 9.something million and the motility was around 38%, all on the low side. Anyway, normal IUI, a little cramping and then it was done. I laid down for a few minutes before jetting off to the acupuncturist.

He only did my front side, he put needles in my arms, legs and forehead. He also covered my abdomen, apparently I'm supposed to keep that area warm. It was relaxing, except for the person in the next room that had a wall-shaking cough. Ick. 

I know I'm supposed to be thinking positive and all but I'm not feeling this cycle. With the left ovary crapping out on me and the super low counts I'm not holding on to much hope. Ugh.