Thursday, March 10, 2011

CD21 - waiting, per usual

Nothing new to report here. I was kind of crampy yesterday which lead me to believe it's a sign of the impending doom of CD1. As of right now I don't think we'll cycle next month, which makes a little depressed even though it makes sense not to. I turn 30 next month and I won't be a mother or even on my way to being a mother.There are a lot of things I thought I would have accomplished by this age but I haven't.

It's been a tough few weeks for this infertile on FB. Lots of babies, pregnancies, etc. I'm very happy for these friends and family, but it's hard not to be a tiny bit sad about my own lack of reproduction. I've also felt really upset about Doug not having the opportunity to be a biological father. I know, I know, biology isn't everything - but with his father dying so early and his own battle with cancer it would just be an amazing gift for him . He's going to be an excellent father no matter the genetics of any future child. Of course I say that with the increasingly real possibility that I may not be a biological mother either. This is when I get the maddest and the saddest, when I think very hard about those things. We've done what we were 'supposed' to and yet here we are, six years and tens of thousands of dollars later and no baby. 

Sometimes I worry I've let this struggle turn me into a bitter person.

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