7wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written December 13, 2011

Yesterday was our first viability ultrasound. I took the whole day off, just in case we got bad news. I went to acupuncture at 10AM, it brought my stress level down a tiny bit but then I was right back to full-fledged panic mode by the time we got to the clinic. We were the only people in the waiting room and I thought my heart was going to explode it was pumping so hard. They finally called me back and it was my favorite ultrasound person, who I promptly told that I was freaking out. She was totally calm and assured me everything would be fine. Poor Doug, he had been dealing with me and was probably tired of attempting to calm me down. I did the normal waist-down strip tease and waited for her to come back in. I was 100% convinced we were going to be heartbroken. But then she put the probe in and within seconds there it was on the screen. She kept saying "look how beautiful" and neither Doug or I could believe it but there was a round black space and inside that space was a tiny white blur with the teeniest, tiniest heartbeat pumping away. She pointed out the brain space and the tail (!) and the amniotic area (I don't think it's completely an amniotic sac yet). She also did the Doppler flow on the heart and we could see the tiny heart beating and the blood flow back and forth. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I seriously felt like I was dreaming. Seven years and so much heartache and there on the screen was our baby (or rather embryo, it's a long way from being a baby). The teeny one was measuring 7wks (1 day ahead since yesterday I was 6wks6days) and the heart rate was 145bpm. She said everything looked good and was the right size and in the right place. Unbelievable.

After the ultrasound I got dressed again and we went out in the smaller waiting area to wait for our appointment with Dr. Groucho. While we were waiting I saw the super sweet phelbotomist who congratulated us too. The ultrasound tech brought us a nice little card with three photos of our little blur. We had to wait a few minutes for Dr. Groucho, but when he came in he went over the ultrasound results and said everything looked good  and gave me a weaning protocol for getting off the progesterone and estrogen (shots end next week?!!) We go back next Tuesday, when I'll be 8wks, for another ultrasound to make sure the blur is growing and still has a heartbeat and if that all goes well they'll release me to my OB/GYN. Craziness. I kept saying to Doug "Can you believe this? it's unreal" It feels like I'm dreaming. We still have a long way to go but just like the doubling betas, it's another hurdle crossed. We have so many people praying for us and thinking about us and sending good thoughts to us, it makes you feel so loved.

Physically I'm still sleeping a lot and I feel like I'm constantly hungry or at least thinking about food. I'm waiting and almost pleading for nausea to start. Honestly though I don't feel too different than what I normally do, which concerns me, but maybe it will all hit me soon.

I'm still going to be on pins and needles until the next ultrasound and probably until at least 12 weeks, if not longer, but at least we've gotten a strong gust of hope.

6wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written December 6, 2011

I am 6 weeks today. It's 6 days until our ultrasound. Truthfully I wasn't sure we'd make it this far. Every day without bleeding and cramping is a tiny victory. But the bigger, scarier moment of truth will come next week. I think if I had more symptoms I would be less scared. I still haven't had morning sickness or nausea, my boobs continue to be a little sore (probably thanks to the progesterone/estrogen) and my sleepiness has tapered off quite a bit. I don't feel like I'm pregnant, I feel normal. It doesn't help I've read in several places (here, here) that women that have morning sickness are less likely to miscarry. My worst fear is that when we get to the ultrasound (provided nothing bad happens between now and then) there won't actually be anything in there or if there is there won't be a heartbeat. We never catch a break when it comes to this process and I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had to order more PIO and progesterone suppositories today and I hated to do it because I felt like I was jinxing us again.

5wks2days

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written December 1, 2011

I woke up at 5AM this morning. I eased out of bed and into the bathroom, no blood. I went into the living room and sat on the couch, intending to knit a few rounds before I got in the shower. I started having some cramping but it was not uterus cramping, it was stomach cramping. My stomach was not happy with me. But still no blood.

I've felt fine since but I'm getting a rumbling, crampy stomach again (at least I hope it's my stomach). I'm so scared that the embryo has stopped growing. I really wish they had given me a third beta. I have resolved to not POAS because even if the embryo has stopped growing I'll still have hCG in my system and still have a positive HPT.

I feel like I jinxed myself because yesterday I pulled the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy out of storage. I bought it five years ago right before our first IVF cycle. It's brand new, the spine isn't even cracked.

We want this so bad, please little embryo be healthy and keep growing.

5wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 29, 2011

Things I am currently scared of:

Bleeding 

Cramping

Miscarrying

Not having morning sickness

Ectopic pregnancy

Missed miscarriage 

Blighted ovum

No heartbeat at ultrasound

Embryo/fetus measuring behind

Low heartbeat 

Embryo/fetus that isn't healthy

and every other thing that could go wrong between now and 40 weeks. Hell, between now and next week.

Last night Dr. Groucho called to congratulate me. He said my numbers looks really good and it was "night and day from last year."  I was wary of his call because last year the day after he called me that time I started bleeding and cramping the next day.

I currently have an unhealthy obsession with what's happening in my underpants. I go to the bathroom a lot to investigate and make sure there is no bleeding/spotting. For the last two nights I have woken up between 4:15-4:30 to go to the bathroom. This morning I woke up and found the tiniest, just-barely-brown speck on my liner and had a brief panic attack and couldn't go back to sleep.

My "symptoms" aren't very symptom-y. My incessant sleepiness has waned, my boobs are still sore though and the veins on my chest and around my hips and abdomen are still very distinct. No morning sickness/nausea, etc. I would feel much better if I was sick. I've never wanted to throw up so badly. I am having food cravings. Normally I love sweets, like waaay to much. My sweet tooth is normally insane but lately all I want is salty, meaty things. I am my third jar of tiny, dill pickles (the first was bought last Thursday). We have cheeseburgers from Five Guys last week and that's all I can think about right now. Someone brought me truffles last week and I tried to eat one today and ended up throwing away over half of it. I still want a cheeseburger. 

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a cleaning and I had to tell them so they wouldn't take x-rays. My dentist is kind of  bumbling, anyway after he told me I'd probably get pregnancy gingivitis he said "I guess you and your husband will be thinking about baby names now." To which I replied "well we've had seven years to do that." 

I am so, so, grateful to be here right now but I'm also so, so scared. Last year I had a miscarriage at 5wks, 2 days and as that same time-frame approaches I'm super apprehensive. I had to order another bottle of PIO last week and the pharmacy rep was going to send me two bottles and I asked that she just send me one - you know just in case.

+

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 28, 2011

On Saturday morning (November 19) I took a First Response Early Detection test at 6AM, I was 8dp3dt. At first I thought it was only showing one line and then, miraculously, another pink line appeared, not a faint one either, a real second pink line. I woke Doug up and made him come look at it. We both got very excited but we also knew not to get too excited. The next morning (November 20) I took another test, also two pink lines, this one slightly darker than the first. I continued this pattern for the next two days, the tests stayed positive and the lines grew a little darker. 

My first hCG test at 11dp3dt was positive at 130, which is higher than my highest beta last year during my chemical pregnancy. On Friday, 14dp3dt, my second beta test showed my hCG rose to 415 and the nurse told me I didn't have to come in for a third beta and they scheduled us for a viability ultrasound on December 12th. My doubling time was 43 hours, with a 219% increase and I *think* that's good. We decided to tell our immediate family on Thanksgiving and a few close friends on Friday after the second beta.

We have been so, so, so happy but we're both cautiously optimistic. We know all too well how many things can go wrong and this is only the first of many hurdles we have to pass. Every morning I'm scared I'm going to wake up to cramps and bleeding. The wait until the ultrasound seems like eternity and I'm afraid if we make it to the actual ultrasound then there won't be anything there. I'm afraid of a thousand things going wrong.