5wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written November 29, 2011

Things I am currently scared of:

Bleeding 

Cramping

Miscarrying

Not having morning sickness

Ectopic pregnancy

Missed miscarriage 

Blighted ovum

No heartbeat at ultrasound

Embryo/fetus measuring behind

Low heartbeat 

Embryo/fetus that isn't healthy

and every other thing that could go wrong between now and 40 weeks. Hell, between now and next week.

Last night Dr. Groucho called to congratulate me. He said my numbers looks really good and it was "night and day from last year."  I was wary of his call because last year the day after he called me that time I started bleeding and cramping the next day.

I currently have an unhealthy obsession with what's happening in my underpants. I go to the bathroom a lot to investigate and make sure there is no bleeding/spotting. For the last two nights I have woken up between 4:15-4:30 to go to the bathroom. This morning I woke up and found the tiniest, just-barely-brown speck on my liner and had a brief panic attack and couldn't go back to sleep.

My "symptoms" aren't very symptom-y. My incessant sleepiness has waned, my boobs are still sore though and the veins on my chest and around my hips and abdomen are still very distinct. No morning sickness/nausea, etc. I would feel much better if I was sick. I've never wanted to throw up so badly. I am having food cravings. Normally I love sweets, like waaay to much. My sweet tooth is normally insane but lately all I want is salty, meaty things. I am my third jar of tiny, dill pickles (the first was bought last Thursday). We have cheeseburgers from Five Guys last week and that's all I can think about right now. Someone brought me truffles last week and I tried to eat one today and ended up throwing away over half of it. I still want a cheeseburger. 

Yesterday I went to the dentist for a cleaning and I had to tell them so they wouldn't take x-rays. My dentist is kind of  bumbling, anyway after he told me I'd probably get pregnancy gingivitis he said "I guess you and your husband will be thinking about baby names now." To which I replied "well we've had seven years to do that." 

I am so, so, grateful to be here right now but I'm also so, so scared. Last year I had a miscarriage at 5wks, 2 days and as that same time-frame approaches I'm super apprehensive. I had to order another bottle of PIO last week and the pharmacy rep was going to send me two bottles and I asked that she just send me one - you know just in case.