And...we're off

Somewhere around 13 antral follicles this morning, which is a little lower than back in May. Hmmph.. Not sure about the estradiol number, but nurse said everything looks good. I start stimming tonight with 225IU of Bravelle and continue that until Tuesday morning when I go back in for ultrasound and bloodwork.

Pre-cycle Freakout

Right before the baseline ultrasound these are the things that I think about and that freak me out.

Is my FSH going to be higher?
Will my antral follicle count be okay?
What's my E2?
Please let me stim well, lots of follies!
But not so well that we have to cancel
Oh god am I going to run out of drugs? 
Twins would be manageable right?
Twins! Hah, you'll be lucky to get one good egg out of this cycle.
Am I having a hot flash?

Change of plans - again

So now we are cycling this month. We had to move some money around but on a wing and a prayer we're cycling. Bravelle is shipping today and my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork is tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed for no surprises or sudden jumps in FSH/E2 and a healthy AFC.

Mantra

My mantra for the New Year:

"I do not know how or when our child will arrive but I know that one day we will be parents." 

Come on 2011...

Sidelined

Well it looks like we'll be sitting this coming cycle out. I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with our budget yesterday and unfortunately we just can't swing the $3,000 + needed by next week to do an dIUI/injectables cycle. After our vacation and the out-of-pocket HSG test, plus holidays gifts for the family, we can't make the math work. So we're sidelined until January/February. It sucks to have to wait (again) but it's probably better on my body to wait one more cycle anyway. Also as of January 1 our Healthcare Savings Account will be replenished and it won't be as much of a financial strain.After six years I really should be more accustomed to waiting but I'm not. I continue to try to think positively about the new year and the outcomes we hope for. Each day puts us that much closer to parenthood, whichever way it comes.

Good news for a change

Finally broke down and called the clinic yesterday afternoon. Coordinator-nurse called me back and said they did receive HSG results and tubes are clear! Even better, they are going to be on-call during New Years so when AF arrives we can cycle! Now I just have to order my Bravelle and we have to finalize our donor selection. It's progress!

A poem for today

Via The Writer's Almanac

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again. 

"The Thing Is" by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.

Quittermas

Doug has deemed this Christmas season "Quittermas", as neither one of us can be excited about it. Saturday we decided we would at least put up a tree. It was a miserable, rainy day and we went to the tree lot in the grocery store parking lot. They had the kind of tree I wanted (Noble Fir) but they were all eight feet tall and around $90, which at this point is more than we wanted to spend. We ended up getting a small Scotch Pine and it made me cry. The tree was not so horrible, it just snowballed from disappointment because I  didn't get the tree I wanted, into disappointment that I'm not pregnant during another holiday season. God bless my husband, he is a saint. Most men in his situation would want to run away from a wife that bursts into tears randomly.

Once we got the tree home we realized we needed another strand of lights, which involved us going to Target - on a Saturday afternoon - during the holiday season. It was a brutal shopping trip and they didn't have the same lights we had at home so we had to get a string of retina-searing blue LED lights. The tree is slightly crooked but we just don't care. 

I managed to get out Christmas cards to our immediate family but that's about it. I'm waiting for the onslaught on holiday cards from friends with uber-cute children. I don't really mind getting these cards but it can make me a teensy bit sad. 

Our trip to Seattle last week was nice, the city was decorated for Christmas and very pretty. We got to spend some quality time together and with friends, plus see one of the most beautiful areas of the country. I did come to the conclusion that the Seattle area must make everyone insanely fertile because I swear every five feet there was a pregnant woman or someone with a baby. We went to a urban craft fair and you couldn't move without seeing a baby strapped to someone. Even Doug was like "where are all these babies coming from?" 

On our own procreation front, I'm waiting until Friday to call the clinic and see if they received the HSG results and if they're closed for New Years. If they are closed then we won't be cycling until the end of January, if they aren't closed then we'll be cycling at the end of this month/first weeks of January. That will also mean we have to order meds and make our final new donor selection, all of which will run us around $1,800.00 total. Merry Christmas to us.

HSG Part Deux

Since we're doing IUI again and you need your fallopian tubes for IUI to have a chance of working, Dr. K told me I needed to have another HSG test. The first one I had was six years ago, shortly after our first appointment with Dr. K and it showed not blockages. I had that one done at the women's hospital next to Dr. K's clinic. A lot of women have severe cramping/pain/bleeding after the HSG but luckily I've only had minor cramping so it's not too big of a deal for me to have the test.

This time around, my clinic suggested I go to a new diagnostic clinic about 25 minutes away. I was skeptical since the women's hospital is 5 minutes from my work but the nurse said everyone was raving about this new place. So I figured it was probably fine and made the appointment for last Friday. The clinic is in North Mississippi which is an interstate ride away. I made it to the clinic in time, after getting lost after I got off of the interstate. The clinic is within sight of the local hospital but it's in an office building that looks almost industrial. This did not instill confidence in me. My insurance does not cover this either so I got the privilege of paying $530 out of pocket for the experience. When the nurse called me back and took me to the room she had to make sure I wasn't pregnant, in fact she needed my clinic's negative HCG test from a weeks ago faxed over to her to confirm. Even after I explained I had had a miscarriage, AF was just last week and it was not physically possible for me to get pregnant on my own. After I said that she then told me she had IVF twice and recurrent pregnancy loss, which was nice of her to share I guess. After they got confirmation I was indeed not pregnant then I got to shed the bottom half of my clothing and lie on a table the width of a plank waiting on the doctor. One thing that bothered me was that their table/machine didn't have stirrups, which made it pretty awkward during the test. It made concerned that maybe they weren't doing enough of these to warrant a table with stirrups. After waiting in a super uncomfortable position on the plank for what seemed like eternity, the doctor finally arrived. He was nice but kept explaining in detail every little thing, which is fine for some people but I had already told him this was the second time I had this test. After it was over they made sure the pictures were good and sent me on my way. They didn't really say if there was any blockages so I have to wait until Dr. K reviews them and confirms the tubes are clear.

I'm hoping for this cycle to start before New Year's because I'm not 100% sure the clinic isn't closed for the holiday. I was going to give them until the end of the this week before I called to pester them about the test results and ordering my meds.

You know you're weird when...

AF finally returned yesterday! Hallelujah! Is it weird I wanted to make that make FB status? Yes? Yes. I made the call to the RE's office and left a message to find about two things. One, will the next cycle (December/January) be the cycle we can start trying again and two, when can I schedule the HSG test. They called me back and said yes, we can start trying at the start of the next cycle (December/January) and I can go ahead and schedule my HSG test. I want to go ahead and get the HSG out of the way as soon as possible so there are no 'surprises'. My tubes were clear in 2004 so hopefully they are still clear. Since we can start next cycle we have some financial adjustments to make in order to fund the thing. I'm just glad we're moving forward again.