Monday, January 17, 2011

Over-analyzing & gambling

One of the magic awful parts of the dreaded 2WW is the part in which you over-analyze every belch, gas bubble, stomach rumble, etc. "I have a weird pang in my side - OMG am I ovulating!?" "I'm particularly belch-y today - is that a sign of implantation!?" Infertility makes you do crazy things, one of which is to became a certifiable loon and pay more attention to your body than you every thought was possible. During the IVF 2WW I found myself starting at my body in the mirror trying to decide if the veins on my chest were more visible. This is insanity, I admit it, but I did it anyway. I think it's just one of those things you know isn't useful but you do it anyway. Kind of like the weird yoga position.

I never thought of myself as a gambler. We live near a conclave of casinos and we've been a couple of times over the years but I'm always creeped out by them - too dark and smokey. Doug made me put some coins in a slot machine once just so I could say I'd gambled but that's pretty much it. But I've recently come to the realization that I am a gambler. Every time we do a treatment we're gambling. We just gambled $3,000 + on this IUI cycle with pretty poor odds. For the IVF cycle we gambled even more money, albeit with better odds, but still lost. IF treatments kind of bring about a 'high' if you will, while yes there is always a slim chance of success, odds are kind of against us given our particular brand of infertility. The 2WW is especially terrible, because you are over-analyzing every tiny thing you're body does you trick yourself into believing this could be 'it'; only to be devastated later. Veterans like myself try hard not to be pessimistic all the time, but when treatment after treatment fails and the only thing you're left with is a shrinking bank balance, it's difficult to be optomistic.

Today I had a physical with a regular doctor - the first time in forever. Mostly the only type of doctors I see are those that are keenly interested in my lady parts. But I'm getting life insurance and they like to check you out to make sure a health time-bomb isn't ticking away inside. I went to a doctor at a new, large family clinic in my neighborhood. The doctor was nice, but not really warm and fuzzy. I did mention that I was undergoing fertility treatments and there could be residual HCG in my blood/urine from the trigger shot last week. She made a note of it and then while she examined my ears mentioned that she too went through IVF and it was "very emotionally draining." Then she said my blood pressure was good, I should loose some weight and they would do an EKG since I'm concerned about my family history of heart disease in the women on my father's side of the family. The nurse came in and did my EKG, which took no time at all and then I was left to get dressed while the doctor looked at my results. Eventually the nurse reappeared and said the EKG was great and they would call with my bloodwork results. So at least the rest of my body doesn't appear to be 'broken'.

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