Monday, January 24, 2011


I'm angry a lot. Angry at my body for not producing good quality eggs despite the fact that I've been trying to get knocked up since I was 24. Angry at the urologist/oncologist who never told Doug he should bank sperm before radiation. Angry at people who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat but don't fully appreciate it. Angry at people who have children but abuse them or don't take care of them. Angry at the insurance company for not covering any of these treatments. Angry at people who say "why don't you just adopt?" Angry that in order to adopt we'll have to jump through a thousand hoops and have someone else decide if we're good enough to be parents or not. Angry at God. Angry at myself for being angry. That's a lot of anger to carry around.

When I find myself feeling especially angry and get the urge to have an ugly cry, I do (provided I'm not out in public). Sometimes you just have to have an ugly cry, you need to get it all out - it's therapeutic.  But after the ugly cry I pick myself back up and repeat the mantra "I do not know how or when our child will arrive but I know that one day we will be parents." Because in this world of infertility, of cycle days, of shots and follicles and big, fat negatives, this is the only truth I know. Thinking about it gives me a teensy bit of solace. I also remember how much love and support I have from my friends and family. It's really hard to stay angry when you know how many people care about you. People who care about you so much that they learn IF terminology and cry with you and wish so hard for you. Even people I don't know are hoping and praying extra hard for us. How can you stay angry when you have that? Eventually the anger turns into gratitude for what we have and how much people care about us. So yes, there's still flashes of anger and sadness but I'm trying so, so, so hard to be grateful and hopeful.


  1. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work out.

    I know that anger all too well. Sometimes it just bubbles over and I feel like running around yelling and crying. Especially that anger at myself for being angry! The gratitude is there, too, though. It's a good reminder to try to focus on it.

  2. I've been there and I'm sure many can relate! I applaud you for turning that anger into something positive and being grateful for what you have! Happy ICLW! (#110)
    BTW, I just featured your blog tonight!

  3. I'm very familiar with that anger, too.

    I can only think that it's good for you to acknowledge it, give in to a good ugly cry when you need it, and go on. Bottling up that anger (even when you're lucky enough to have a good support system) just isn't healthy.

    I hope that you get your wish to be a Mom very very soon!

    -ICLW #42

  4. Here from ICLW. I'm so sorry about your rough road. And so glad you have a wonderful support network from family and friends. Best of luck to you and hope the rest of your journey to become a mother is short and easier...