Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The impossible dream

The other day Doug and I were talking about how most people take their fertility for granted. Most people either get pregnant without even trying or decide to try and bam - they’re knocked up. Over the past five-and-a-half-years I have become completely disillusioned; I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be able to get pregnant without involving a team of specialists in the process. Once you go through infertility and specifically In-Vitro Fertilization, you realize what an amazing miracle it is for anyone to get pregnant - ever. There are so many tiny processes that have to happen in order for the sperm and egg to rendezvous successfully and produce an actual, live baby nine months later. I told Doug that I could envision myself in law school before I could envision myself pregnant. It’s been such an out of reach dream for so long I can’t even imagine it anymore.

Tomorrow is beta day. I am 100% freaked out about it. I go in at 7:30AM for the blood draw and they’ll call us with the results by 3:00PM. I had considered doing a HPT in the morning but decided if it was negative I’d still have to go to work for four hours and be upset. Instead I’ll wait it out and once I come home at noon I’ll do a HPT and Doug and I will look at the results together.  That way if it is negative we can be together to deal.

Infertility is hard and ugly and unfair. Your heart feels broken most of the time. You spend more money than you like to think about on high-tech procedures that still don’t guarantee you a baby.  You pump your body full of drugs that you pray aren’t going to give you some awful disease in twenty years. You spend days on the verge of tears because the thing that seems to come to everyone else so easily seems impossible for you. Infertility sucks.

I’m going on ‘radio-silence’ tomorrow; we’re going to need some time to process whatever the outcome is.

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