On being a crazy person

I'm at 9dp3dt today. I've had mild cramps for several days now which makes me want to cry. I'm afraid my period is on its way and the only thing preventing it is the progesterone. I've felt like crying since I woke up this morning and being at work is not helping. Everyone is annoying me, I feel like yelling at them "Don't you know what I'm going through!?" but I won't. Instead I'll sit here in my office, spending the day alternating working and fishing around on FertileThoughts.com or IVFConnections because I am a woman obsessed. The combination of the hormones, the nerves and the anxiety makes me feel like a crazy person. I just want the waiting to be over so we can either decide what the next step is or be really, really surprised. 

Besides the cramping I have broken out with tiny red bumps on my chest and across my forehead. My bum is still sore from the PIO shots, although I have to say Doug has gotten really good with them. Most nights I only feel a slight sting. I only have four estrogen pills left to make it through tomorrow but I'm not refilling until I know something definitive. I'm also supposed to be ordering progesterone suppositories because if the test is positive I'll need to start them Wednesday night - but I haven't done it yet. Mainly because they're $70 and I'd rather not spend $70 on something I might not need until I have to. I'd be really pissed to spend $70 on the suppositories only to not need them and you can't exactly return suppositories.

Last week in the throes of negativity, I made a Word document that outlined what are next steps should be if this cycle fails. The first step of course is a WTF appointment with Dr. K where he tells us what might have gone wrong (if anything) and I ask questions like "are all my eggs old and dried up now?"  and " is menopause impending?" I used to think two IVF cycles would be my limit, but now I don't know. Financially, I cringe at the thought of spending another $12,000-$14,000 on something that isn't guaranteed. Emotionally, I don't want to totally give up on the idea of having a child that's genetically linked to me. IUI with injectables is an option, but I can't imagine that statistically IUI would work if two IVF cycles didn't.