Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Land of Limbo

On Wednesday I went in for my blood draw and then went to work for an agonizing four hours. I left at noon and went home to take an HPT so Doug and I could prepare ourselves for the result. Well I expected a snow-white test - but there was a faint line. We were confused. We went and bought more tests, again two more tests with faint lines. We tried not to get too excited. Time ticked by while we waited for the blood test results. Finally we got the call, yes it is positive but your HCG is 22 (not good, insurmountable odds for an actual, viable pregnancy) so it could go either way. Limbo. It felt like the 2000 election, no clear winner. I rubbed my abdomen and tried to convince whatever was in there to hang on. I couldn't decide it if was better to get have gotten a negative or to have this teensy, tiny glimmer of hope, it just seemed cruel.

Friday I returned to the office for another blood draw and HCG test. I was not optomistic. Around noon I got the call, the number increased to 48, still could go either way. So the number did double in less than 48 hours (which is good) but it was still low. Sunday morning off I went back to the office for blood draw #3. The phlebotomist had a hard time finding a non-punctured vein to draw from. At one point I thought I was going to pass out because the first place she tried didn't work and she had to stick me again IN MY WRIST. So again I went home to wait it out. Before noon I gave Doug my phone to watch and got in the shower, thinking they wouldn't call until later. Well of course three minutes into my shower Doug comes to the bathroom and brings me the phone. The result? 123. This is good and the nurse sounded confident, I on the other hand am not. No more blood draws for the next two weeks, my veins are happy about that but I'm kind of scared. I need reassurance that there's still something going on in there. Monday the office called and scheduled me for an ultrasound on November 10th - 14 days away. This two week wait my be worse than the first one. 

My mind is constantly running, I find it difficult to concentrate on anything but "Is the number going up?" or "Is there really something in there?". I can't even say the 'P' word. My internet sleuthing (I know, I know I need to stay off the internet) has led met to conclude most low HCG levels don't end well, some do, but rarely it seems. I know I need to stay positive, it's just so scary. Plus in the 5+ years we've been dealing with infertility we've never really caught a break. It almost always seems like something goes badly. Even though I should be relishing my first ever positive test, I'm too freaked out to enjoy it.

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