Friday, November 5, 2010

Looking for answers & direction

Dr. K called me Wednesday night, a much different tone of phone call than I received last Thursday when he called to congratulate me. He gave me the normal "this is not how we wanted this to turn out" talk. I like him a lot, even though we haven't gotten the results we've wanted he's always been very honest and open with us about our options and I don't feel like he gives us unrealistic expectations.  He said they can't really say why the miscarriage happened because it was so early and they didn't really have any tissues to analyze. He very truthfully said he doesn't know what we should do. If this cycle had been a total failure it would be easy for him to tell us we should probably move on past ART, but because *technically* I did get pregnant he's torn as to what to tell us. I told him we're just as torn about what to do. Based on our conversation, I'm pretty sure he thinks there's an egg quality issue. Now I didn't come right out and ask him that but I feel like that's what he was inferring. He said the embryos this time were not as good as the embryos from our 2006 cycle, which I thought was surprising. In 2006 my FSH level was around 12 and this time it was 9. With the use of donor sperm I thought we would have produced better quality embryos than last time. He spoke briefly about embryo adoption, via the National Embryo Donation Center. He's very enthusiastic about the process and said one of their former embryologists now works at NEDC.

Doug and I are compiling a list of questions we want to ask Dr. K at our appointment next week. We need some straight-forward answers about certain treatments aspects so we can make a better decision as to what we should do next. Doug wants to do an IUI cycle and use up the last of his stored sperm, even though we both know that the chances of success with that type of cycle is like -0%. However, for his piece of mind I'm willing to do it. Dr. K will probably think we're crazy but you gotta do what you've gotta do. We did agree we would just do Clomid for that cycle and save the big guns for donor sperm. In my head I think we should do one IUI with what Doug has left, two IUI's with injectables and donor sperm and then make the decision to either do one more final IVF cycle or more on to embryo adoption. 

I feel like I'm on information overload, but really its my own fault. All these possibilities pop into my head and I start trying to compile data on everything. I'm still trying to heal physically and emotionally from the miscarriage. I thought the bleeding/spotting I had over the weekend was it, oh but I was wrong. On Tuesday the bleeding came back with a vengeance and is still ongoing, it's like a very heavy period. Dr. K said it could last eight days! The cramping isn't that bad thankfully, but I have had several headaches, breakouts and nausea since stopping the progesterone and estrogen. Emotionally I'm still have mini-breakdowns at least once a day but it's much better than it was last weekend/Monday.

I'm so tired of the infertility roller-coaster, the ride is too long and expensive and I'm ready to get off. It's nearly the end of the year and by this time next year I either want to be pregnant or moving on with adoption, whether it be embryo or domestic infant.

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