What's next

I didn't mean to totally abandon this space but life has gotten in the way and so has writer's block. Life has been pretty busy since our sweet boy's arrival. Since he came right around my busy work season I was working pretty early on during my maternity leave. Then I started back to work after six weeks with the baby and it's been almost impossible to update either of my blogs. 

Having a newborn is hard, but it's not nearly as hard as the years we spent waiting and wondering if we'd ever get here. Infertility has not been magically cured now that we have a baby, we're still infertile. I still bristle at pregnancy and parenting complaints that people post on Facebook. I still feel a tiny bit bitter towards people who get pregnant so easily and don't realize how lucky they are when there are so many women who want to be in their shoes.

I don't really have an intention to blog about parenthood, singularly at least. On my other blog I'll mention it (whenever it gets updated) but I don't want that to be the sole thing I talk about. I'm leaving this space as is and I'll  probably post some periodic updates. I'm curious to see what my FSH and AMH levels do in the future. I wonder if they'll continue to decline or hold steady? We have only briefly discussed the possibility of trying for second baby. We don't have any frozen embryos so it would have to be a fresh cycle and we have to have to funds to attempt IVF again. We would both love to have another child but I almost feel like I was so lucky to have an uneventful pregnancy, an easy delivery and a healthy child that I don't know if we should tempt fate again. We have a little  time to think about it though. Right now we're spending almost all our time enjoying the baby we wished so hard for.

I'm hoping everyday that the bloggers I have been following will finally get their positive tests, their high betas, their strong heartbeats, and their take home babies. 

A real live miracle

Our tiny IVF miracle arrived one week early on July 24 after a quick labor, weighing 6 pounds, 9 ounces. It's a boy and he has a head full of dark hair. I can't tell you ecstatically happy and grateful we are. When I start thinking about everything we've been through to get here I start crying. So many years, so many procedures, so many tears and he's finally here. 

From one of these tiny clusters....

 To this beautiful boy

We're finally parents

38wks

We're getting so close! My weekly appointment was Tuesday and there was no change but she said the head was still very low. I've had some light cramping off and on but nothing awful. I also feel more pressure down below when the baby rolls around. 

Last weekend we got a lot of odds and ends done. Doug installed both carseat bases and put together the stroller caddy and the giant swing (which I'm sure we'll be thankful for later). I made another couple of freezer meals and a few batches of frozen cookie balls that just have to be stuck in the oven and baked. This week we had a cleaning service come and clean the house and I'm so glad we spent the money. 

Speaking of money, we got our first dose of how expensive childcare is. We went on several daycare waiting lists in March. We got in our number two pick shortly after. It's a great program, it's just no. 2 because it's further away from our house so we'll have to drive a little bit out of the way to take the baby there. Anyway, I called our no. 1 pick to see where we stood on the waiting list and we're third on the list, but there's only one spot so it looks like we'll be using the place we have a spot at. So the place we'll be sending the baby has a dayschool so it runs like a school, starting in August, running through May, etc. We found out that we have to start paying the full tuition for the months of August, September, and October, even though our baby can't start going until twelve weeks, which will be around the first of November. I was pretty upset by this, Doug isn't as upset about it as me. On one hand I'm so glad to have a spot at such a great place, but on the other hand I feel like we're essentially having to throw away a substantial amount of money for no services. I guess this is normal protocol but we really didn't realize it. Plus it stings to have to shell out more money when we're still trying to recover from all the IVF expenses. Sigh, I think it's always something though. 

We're still very excited and I'm hoping for an uncomplicated delivery that gives us a healthy, happy baby. 

36wks & 37 wks

So this is really happening. I think we're really having a baby in a few weeks. Un-freaking-believable. 

Our maternity pictures turned out really well, super sweet couple and super nice to work with. I kind of hate my hair but that's because it's still in the weird growing out phase and the humidity/natural curl doesn't help. Meh. I'll be posting some of them on my other blog later this week. 

My appointment last week was uneventful (I did not get bitten again). I've stopped asking about my weight gain, I know it's hovering around 30 pounds so I'm just going to leave it at that. I did get to drop trou for the first time since the transvag ultrasounds stopped. I got swabbed for Group B Strep but since I hadn't had any cramping she put off doing a cervical check, which was fine with me. 

We have our carseat and bases (thanks to some very generous family members and a friend) we just need to install them, sooner rather than later. I started washing the swaddle wraps, bibs, burp cloths, and blankets this week and I need to sort the clothes and wash a few outfits. Our diaper bag came in, it's not really a diaper bag, it's really the Clipper Tote from Timbuk2 but we didn't want something super baby-ish. I've made my hospital bag list, now I just need to pack it. I also called our insurance company to make sure I had the correct information on how to add the baby to our health insurance. It still seems weird to be making all these major preparations.

I've continued to feel pretty good. Minor aches and pains, heartburn/indigestion, and frequent potty breaks are about it. It's been crazy hot here but I've stayed indoors as much as possible and I drink a lot of water to stay hydrated. The baby has continued to move around a lot, my doctor said since my amniotic fluid has peaked movement will probably be less pronounced now. I still feel a lot of shudders and pokes, again it sometimes feel like this baby want to exit through my stomach.

Today I had my 37 week appointment and my doctor said I tested negative for Group B, so no antibiotics needed. I had heard cervical checks were painful but I thought it couldn't be that bad, I mean I've had giant needles poking into my ovaries how bad could the doctor's fingers be? Well, it was pretty toe-curling and not in a good way. But I know that actual labor and delivery will be far more painful so I'll suck it up. I expected her to tell me that everything was long and closed (cervix-wise) but she said I was 1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. Basically it means nothing though, based on what I've read you can be at 1 for weeks. This baby can keep baking for a couple of more weeks though. I have a ton of work stuff at do before my maternity leave starts and I feel like I need every minute I have. Although really I know that in the end if baby comes early work will figure out how to manage without me. 

T-minus 3 weeks....(or 4 if he/she is stubborn)

34wks & 35wks

Things I can't believe sometimes: 

- IVF #3 actually worked

- We're 5 weeks (give or take) from meeting this tiny little person who's stretching my belly out to weird configurations

- There's really a baby coming & it's ours

Last week I had my 34 week appointment, the seeing that doctor part was pretty uneventful but the waiting room was a zoo. My doctor has a private practice, it's just her, and her waiting room seats about 11 people snugly. On Wednesday I walked in and it was standing room only. Until I realized one woman had her purse in a chair, which she eventually moved so I could sit. There was a super loud grandmother there with her pregnant daughter and her 2ish year-old  granddaughter who was running around the tiny waiting room like a lunatic. There was also another loud couple across the waiting room who was having a conversation with the loud grandmother. Right after sitting down the 2 year-old ran and planted her face into my lap and then proceeded to bite my knee through my dress until her grandmother pulled her off. Fun times. After that I got to listen to the ramblings of the loud couple and the loud grandmother until they each got called back. I think that was the longest I've sat in the waiting room. When I finally got back to see the doctor everything was fine, my BP is good, weight isn't that bad(still more than I'd like though), baby's heart rate is good, etc. My next appointment is at 36 weeks (next week) and I'll get the Group B Strep test (not looking forward to that). I don't really know when (or if) my doctor does internal checks, my best guess would be that I'd get one next week while she's down there...

Over the weekend my best friend threw me a baby shower in my hometown. It was so nice, it was at a local restaurant and she and her mom did an amazing job putting it together. Our family and friends were extra generous and we got a lot of useful baby things. I can't tell you how weird it was to be at a baby shower for me instead of someone else. It's even weirder that now there's a whole lot of baby things in our house for us, not waiting to be gifted to other people but for us and our baby. Amazing. Doug's department is also throwing a shower for us on the 12th and I can't wait to see him open baby presents. 

This Sunday we're having some maternity photos done at our house. I went back and forth for awhile about having pictures done and then I thought this might be the only time I'm ever pregnant and if that's the case I want to capture that you know? So a friend of my mine recommended a couple who do very nice work and they're coming Sunday. It won't be anything cheesy or silly, just us and this giant bump of baby : )

32wks & 33wks

Getting closer and closer. According to the compare-your-baby-to-fruit-website, our baby is the size of a pineapple this week. That's given me this unshakable image of a pineapple-baby in my stomach.

My 32 week appointment last week was uneventful, up about 1.5 lbs. (ugh). BP is normal and all that jazz is still good. I'm starting to feel more hefty and tired, mainly in the afternoon. It's more difficult to sleep comfortably and I have to roll over a lot because my legs get sore. I still have nothing to complain about, I'm pregnant, I'm healthy, as far as we know baby's healthy and hopefully we'll have a healthy full-term baby with an uncomplicated delivery. Baby moves around a lot and I think I've felt hiccups. Sometimes he/she will curl up on one side of my stomach, making it appear lopsided and it's equal parts weird and amazingly awesome.

Our childbirth classes were this past weekend. On Friday night we had a two-hour class called 'Mind Over Body'. I wouldn't call it a natural childbirth class exactly but it focused on ways to use your mind/different positions, etc. to work through labor without an epidural. We learned breathing techniques and used birth balls and chairs and massage. At the end we went through these stations and used clothes pins on our ears and ice cubes in our hands to simulate the pain of a contraction. On Saturday morning we had the all day 'Pregnancy to Parenthood' class. It started at 8:15AM and finished at 4:30PM. It was useful, there were a lot of couples in there with due dates close to ours, lots of younger couples too. I think there was about 12 couples total. The guys seemed kind of immature for impending fatherhood. I was really glad to have a husband who is not worried about the lack of beer, parties, and money after the baby comes. I think we both learned more about the actual length and the stages of labor, plus we got a tour of the Labor & Delivery unit and the nursery, which had a teeny, tiny newborn in it. At one point we were standing by the elevators waiting and there was a little chime. The nurse told us that every time a baby is born the chime plays. Cue the tears (for me). Of course I only teared up a tiny bit, I didn't want all the other people around us to think I was insane. But that little chime just made this actual birth of a baby thing seem a little more real. Plus I started to think about everything we've been through and how we got it, add to that the fact I'm full of hormones and then you have the tears. All in the all I think the classes were helpful, even though we both know how to change diapers, feed, bath, and swaddle babies. I've been around little ones since I was a kid and Doug has been around all our nieces and nephews since they were born so we've both changed our share of diapers.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. It's just a few short weeks until it's July and then not long after that it'll hopefully be baby time.

29wks, 30wks, & 31wks

Still not a lot to report here, which is good. I'm all for an uneventful pregnancy and delivery please. We're still waiting on our kitchen to be complete and it's driving me nuts. I managed to finish hemming the curtains for the baby's room last weekend and they look really nice in the room. Doug has been working on the chiffarobe and replaced the mirrors with cork-covered board inserts. I was able to hang the baby clothes we have in there. He has to finish the drawers but it's 85% done. All in all the room is mostly complete, just a few small things to finish up but the big things are done. It's a really happy little room and I like to go in there and sit in the rocking chair. 

I had a doctor's appointment last Tuesday and I was still unhappy with my weight gain, around 22-23 lbs. Ugh. My doctor didn't make mention of it but I cringe every time I step on the scale. Luckily my blood pressure is still really good and I haven't had any foot/leg/hand swelling (yet). I vacillate between being a little tired and wanting to do a million things at once. I can't tell you how lucky and thankful I feel for having such an easy time so far, I keep waiting for something crazy to happen (but please don't). People ask me how I feel a lot and I'm honestly able to say that I feel fine. It's getting harder to get out of bed/off the couch but other than that I'm feeling good. 

Our childbirth class is next weekend and then my hometown baby shower is on the 23rd. We got our first registry gift last week, a Pack and Play from my very generous former boss. Our 'plan' is for baby to sleep in it in our room for a little while, of course we have no clue how it will all work out until the baby is here.Who knows where he/she might actually sleep. My workplace is generously giving me six weeks off (we're a super small organization and don't have enough employees to qualify for FMLA) so I'm kind of 'nesting' at work too to make things easier for my co-worker, who is going to help my boss while I'm gone. Because I'll be gone during the time we normally work on publications and publicity for the High Holidays I'm trying to get as much of it as possible done before my due date. 

I'm sending many positive thoughts and vibes to some of my fellow IF'ers who have just gotten BFP after some heartbreaking losses. I'm crossing my fingers for strong, rising betas, and healthy pregnancies for all of them. 

27wks & 28wks

Still here, distracted by home improvement projects though (which you can see on my other blog). I don't think anything too exciting happened in week 27, which was good. I had my 28 week appointment last Tuesday and it went well. I only gained a half a pound. We also got another ultrasound, which was pretty exciting. Baby was moving around a lot and is taking up a lot more space than it was at the 20 week ultrasound. He/she is also head down. My doctor also used the 3D feature on the ultrasound machine for a minute and we got a few fuzzy glimpses of baby's face, you can see the photos on the ultrasound tab. I know this sounds a little vain but I swear baby has my nose and cheeks. I pulled out a few of my baby photos and compared them to the ultrasound photos and they look pretty close if you ask me. My doctor says the baby is weighing 2lbs. 10 oz. right now and usually they double in size, if not a tiny bit more than that. It's so unbelievable to us that one of the microscopic embryos that Doug peeked at through the microscope in November now weighs close to 3 lbs. and has a nose and cheeks! I have a feeling that next 12 weeks will fly by rather quickly. Baby moves around a lot, usually in the mornings when I'm at work and after I eat. Sometimes I can feel a hard spot and I wonder if it's a foot or a hand. Still having Braxton-Hicks, most of the time in the shower in the morning and any time I stand for several minutes at a time.

In other preparatory news, I preregistered at the hospital we want to use and we've registered for a childbirth class in June. The nursery work (mostly details) is at a standstill right now until our kitchen is finished (hopefully a few weeks from now). The big things are done, it's just the smaller stuff that needs to be addressed. My best friend picked a date for the baby shower in my hometown, again so weird that *I'm* going to have a baby shower.

As much as everything is going well, I can't shake just the tiniest bit of fear from my mind. Because truly you never really know until you have a healthy, alive baby in your arms. I'd say my fear levels hovers around 10% or less. I do have faith though that we've made it this far and hopefully we'll make it the rest of the way.

On fathers

My relationship with my father is pretty much non-existent. I think I've mentioned before that he left when I was around 6 or so and was in and out of my life the rest of the time. Right after my parents divorced (his doing, not my mother's) he had visitation with us and we stayed with him and his new wife/girlfriend for two weeks in the summer. It was awful. Shortly thereafter, he stopped paying child support and made little effort to see/parent/support my brother and I for the remainder of our childhood. About once a year he would pop up with a new wife or girlfriend (I've pretty much lost count of how many times he's been married) and visit us for a day, but it was awkward and I never felt like I had a father. When I was a kid I was the only one of my friends that had divorced parents. I always felt weird around the fathers of my friends. I did have a very devoted maternal uncle and grandfather, plus my father's two brothers (who thought my father was an asshat) and paternal grandfather, that were all pretty good male role models in my life. However, being a girl growing up without a father can be pretty sucky. I turned out okay but I know there are issues that maybe I could have dealt with better had my father been an active participant in my life. Presently, my father lives somewhere in the same part of the state as me, I'm not exactly sure where, with another women, this one he doesn't seem to be married to (yet), and he's a fairly sad shell of a man. I think he's finally come to the point where he might be realizing how much he effed up were my brother and I were concerned. 

I say all this to get to my point - I am 110% sure, with every fiber of my being, that my husband is going to make an incredible father. Over the weekend we watched our 18 month-old nephew, who adores his uncle and is indifferent to his aunt (me) and every time I see my husband interact with our nephew I almost cry because he's so good with him. My husband lost his own father far too soon (at age 12) and so he also grew up without a father, but from different circumstances. I am so lucky to have found the partner in life that I did. Not only is he going to be a great dad but he's a great husband, honestly he spoils me. Several of the IF bloggers I've followed over the years have had troubled marriages, strained and pushed to the limits by their infertility experiences. Others have had their marriages made stronger by infertility, I am thankful to be one of the latter. We still have troubles like most married couples, but they aren't foundation-shattering, they're small and forgettable. Since we started this journey it's always felt like it was just the two of us against the world and soon (hopefully) it'll be us and a little one against the world.

26wks

Another week speeding by. I had my gestational diabetes test/appointment on Tuesday. The glucola stuff wasn't too terrible, per my doctor's orders I ate some scrambled eggs and canadian bacon for breakfast (no carbs) and then drank the glucola. It made me a little flushed but not nauseous thankfully. Lucky for me my number was normal so I passed the test. 

I had a pretty quick appointment with the doctor, unfortunately I gained 3.5 lbs since my last appointment, despite going to the gym every day last week. My doctor said I'm just a little above what she'd like to see but she didn't seem very bothered. She asked me about what I was eating and she made suggestions as to what to replace those things with. I probably eat the worst on the weekends, donuts, dining out, baking, etc. But through the week I have a pretty decent menu. She thinks the issue is too many carbs, which makes sense. I eat Kashi granola bars a lot and greek yogurt, which has protein but still a lot of carbs. She suggested I eat low-fat string cheese, low-fat cottage cheese, eggs (I really don't like eggs), raw almonds, use low-carb wraps instead of bread for sandwiches, etc. I told her I'd been eating a lot of raw strawberries and she said a few is fine but because they have a lot of natural sugar I shouldn't eat too many. I joined BabyFit (the same people that run SparkPeople) and it's been helpful. I've also cooked every night this week, expect for Tuesday, which also helps. I just really, really don't want to gain too much weight and not be able to loose it. Although I'd much rather be overweight and finally have a baby than still be without a baby and what I weighted prior. 

Everything else is fine, blood pressure, etc. My doctor did confirm what I described were Braxton-Hicks and they're totally normal. My next appointment is in two weeks and we'll have an ultrasound then. I can't believe I'm almost in the third trimester and we'll be going every two weeks from now on. The baby is moving around a lot these days. I've started to be able to feel the difference between kicks with feet/legs and kicks with hands/arms, it's a surreal feeling. We registered for a childbirth class in June, honestly the actual birth part has been the last thing on my mind. I'm not that concerned about it right now but I know we should probably get a little knowledge on how everything will go down and tour the hospital we'll be at.

Some days I'll start thinking about the reality that there is a tiny little person inside of me and I start crying. We aren't at the finish line yet but it's so close and I'm taken aback by the emotions I feel when I think about where we started on this journey and where we are right now.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Don't Ignore Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and this year's theme is "Don't Ignore Infertility." You can read Don't Ignore Infertility Blog Posts from other IF bloggers here.

This year's theme made me think about how relatively lucky we've been throughout our years of IF. We've been pretty open about our situation from the beginning with friends and family and most everyone has been very supportive and sympathetic. While there have been times when I was upset about insensitive comments or uncomfortable situations, most everyone in our inner circle has been great. Personally, for us, I feel like the being ignored part comes from average people out in the world who either have preconceived notions about people who are dealing with infertility or those people who just plain don't know anything about infertility. I wish those people could understand that we aren't desperate, we aren't plotting to steal babies, we're not immoral for using assisted reproductive technologies - we just want to be parents, we want to grow our families and we want to be understood. 

For more information about NIAW visit www.resolve.org

25wks

I made it to 24 weeks and now another week has passed and I'm 25 weeks. Everything is still going well. Doug and I took vacation last week and worked on the house. We painted the baby's room on Monday (zero VOC paint + good ventilation) and luckily it didn't take too much time. We were finished by the early afternoon. He also put together the crib and changing table too and we have them in the room now. On Wednesday we drove to Atlanta to visit Ikea and to just have a little getaway. Our trip to Ikea was good, we bought picture frames, curtains, a small rug, and two storage cubes for the baby's room. Afterwards we had a really delicious dinner and frozen yogurt. Unfortunately that night I slept horribly, I kept waking up every few hours. There really was no reason for me to not be asleep, the room wasn't too hot or too cold, there wasn't noise (except Doug's snoring) but I just could not sleep. We ended up leaving earlier on Thursday than we intended to because I was so tired from the lack of sleep and just wanted to go home. Friday we (Doug) put together the storage cubes and hung the prints in the frames we had bought. I have to hem the curtains because they're a few inches too long but the room is coming together. On Saturday we went to an estate sale and scored a vintage wood rocking chair. It has some minor issues that Doug is going to fix. It still seems so weird to have a crib in our house. 

I feel good, I have to go to the bathroom a lot but I'm also drinking a lot of water so that's to be expected. I have started to feel more and more movement. The other morning I was sitting down eating a bowl of cereal and I could feel something moving around and I watched my belly for a few minutes and it kind of shuddered, which was pretty cool. Of course that hasn't happened since and I haven't been able to show Doug but hopefully the little one will start kicking harder soon so Doug can feel it. 

I think I might be having Braxton-Hicks contractions off and on. Occasionally I'll feel my abdomen get tight, just for a few seconds. It doesn't hurt, it just feels different, I'll ask my doctor about it next week. I'm a little concerned about the gestational diabetes test, I hope I don't fail. I've started back to the gym during my lunch hour and doing at least 30 minutes on the treadmill. I'm also trying to lay off the sweets/bad stuff. The numbers on the scale are really freaking me out, they're numbers I've never seen on a scale before. 

All in all, everything is still going well. It's starting to feel more and more real that we're having a baby this summer.

23wks

I didn't post last week because I got busy and truthfully (and thankfully) there wasn't much to report. Today I had an appointment and everything went well. Blood pressure is good, gained a little more weight (eek), baby had a good strong heartbeat. My doctor gave me the instructions for the gestational diabetes test, which I'll have at 26 weeks. She also gave me a packet of information on the hospital we'll be delivering at, which seems crazy (crazy that I'll actually be delivering a baby). 

I'm still doing well, nothing new to report. Although I have been feeling more and more of what I assume is movement. It's still rather subtle, maybe like a turn or a roll. It feels slightly odd but not in bad way. I'll be really happy when they get strong enough for Doug to feel. I've really been craving ice cream and strawberries recently. Strawberries are coming in to season here so they're popping up at the grocery and they look so good. I haven't been as active as I should be lately, which is probably why I gained more weight. I have to get back in a exercise routine, I don't mind gaining healthy weight, I just don't want to gain more than I can loose. 

We've been working a lot on our house, purging, (hired) painting, etc. We hope to paint the baby's room next week. I ended up ordering the crib and changing table last week because the changing table was on back-order until the end of July almost everywhere. I felt like I was tempting fate by ordering it but I did it anyway. They came in pretty quickly and are living in their boxes in our storage area until after the room is painted.

I can't say enough how surreal this still is to me but I'm trying to enjoy every second since this very well could be the only opportunity I have to experience pregnancy.

I'm still infertile

It feels weird to be "on the other side" of the IF battle. For seven years I've been in the battlefield. Some times forgetting we were infertile and other times not being able to stop thinking about it. Being pregnant, having a baby seemed like out of reach, unattainable goals. Now I'm pregnant and it still seems foreign to me that we're going to get a real, live baby. Pregnant or not I'm still infertile, we're still infertile. Doug is still sterile and my FSH is still higher than it should be and it still took us three rounds of IVF to get here. We're not cured and we never will be, I still define myself as infertile and when we (hopefully) become parents we'll still be infertile. Infertility has been awful but in some ways it's been good. It's been good because our marriage has become stronger, we have seen and felt support and love from so many friends and family. It's also been good because when this baby finally gets here we will do our best not to take anything for granted. I know that it's going to be hard to be a parent, to have a newborn, to miss sleep and all the other things that we do with ease these days, but it's going to be worth all the pain, the money, the procedures, the tears and everything else.

21wks3days

Another week closer to viability and to baby. We (me) are in severe nesting mode, we've lived in our house for five years now and haven't done a whole lot to it. So now as the prospect of bringing home baby looms, we want to try to do as much as possible to improve the house. We made a big list about a month ago of things to get done and our original plan was to tackle one thing a weekend but that goal hasn't quiet been met. However this past week we moved forward with a few items. We bought ceiling fans to be installed in our bedroom and the future baby room and on Wednesday we got them installed. We have a painter coming Monday to paint our office (aka the third bedroom) and we're getting estimates now to have our kitchen cabinets and countertops replaced. Based on the first bid we may end up doing some of the installation ourselves. We've picked out the crib and mattress we want but I want to hold off buying it until 24 weeks, just in case. Oh and we found out we got in our #2 daycare pick, it's little further from our house but it's a great program. It feels like it was too easy, I thought we'd be waiting until after baby comes. Haven't heard anything from our #1 pick, but I know they cashed our waiting list check so we must be on the list.

I'm starting to more consistently feel something moving around. It's still not what I would describe as a kick or punch, but a weird sensation in my lower abdomen. My sleep is not great, but that's about it, some nights I just can't get comfortable. This week I think the fact that everything is in bloom and the weather has been so odd has given me a sore throat, running nose, and cough, blah. But everyone else seems to be experiencing the same issues, spring blooming came much earlier this year. 

I still haven't heard anything from the clinic regarding that extra amount they want us to pay, I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I did get an email this week from the sperm bank we used letting us know our donor has retired. There are still vials available for purchase but once those are gone that's it. So now we're faced with the dilemma of waiting or going ahead and buying a couple of vials (to the tune of $715 each, plus the yearly storage fee). On one hand we hate spending the money right now, but on the other hand we want to make sure we have the option of giving this baby a sibling. Although when I start thinking about trying for a second baby I start thinking about the chances of lighting striking again. We are so very lucky to have finally had IVF work and I'm worried we might not be so lucky again. We haven't really talked to other people about it much because I'm sure they'll think we're insane, but we want to start IVF again for a second child sometime around baby's 1st birthday (provided nothing catastrophic happens). Our reasoning is that it took us 7 years to get to this point and we don't want to wait that long again. Plus my egg reserve isn't going to magically replenish itself, and I'll be 32 by the time we hopefully celebrate baby's 1st birthday, which is three years away from advanced maternal age. And since my ovaries are already aging too quickly and Doug isn't getting younger, it feels like time is of the essence.

20wks1days

Halfway point! Grateful, grateful, grateful. Still a little scared thought but mostly happy and grateful. We had a good appointment with the 'big' ultrasound yesterday. Our baby looks great, he/she is head down, wiggling around and using the placenta as a punching bag. We saw the heart, brain, kidneys and stomach and he/she moved his/her arms around a lot. My doctor noticed that I have a low-lying placenta, It wasn't covering or even partially covering the cervix it was just very close to the cervix. She did say that 90% of the time it resolves itself the further along I get, fingers crossed.  Doug told her to make sure she said that again because I would go home and freak out about it. He knows me too well. She told us when to close our eyes when she was looking at the bottom bits since we don't want to know the gender. We got several profile shots and a few shots of a baby arm and hand and a tiny baby foot. After looking at the profile shot I swear this baby looks like my brother (ultrasounds pictures can be found top right under the "Ultrasounds" tab). Oh and I did gain 5 pounds, eek. I have to start paying better attention to what I'm eating and lay off the Easter candy/Girl Scout cookies. More protein and less sugar.

My 'new' symptoms are going to the bathroom all.the.time. and a lot of tossing and turning at night. I bought a body pillow at Target over the weekend and that's helping but it takes up a lot of bed space, poor Doug, between the pillow and the cats he's barely hanging on to the side. We're finally getting in to gear about childcare, we've sent in applications/waiting list money to two places and we're going to visit a third next week. Our #1 pick is right by our house which would be super convenient. The other two are really good too, but they're further out. At this point we'll just be lucky to get a spot at any of the three. Baby will be with me at my office for at least 3 months but he/she will need to be in daycare soon after. I think it'll all work out, we have a plan b, a plan c and a plan d but I hope we won't need those.

Heartbroken for someone else

Just a quick note to please send your thoughts and prayers to A at The Journey to Baby G, who just lost her twins at 19 weeks, 5 days. I started reading her blog a year or so ago and she got her BFP just a few days ahead of me. She has been through 4 IVF cycles, plus more procedures and losses, and I just cannot begin to fathom how much grief and pain she and her husband are experiencing right now.

19wks1day

This week, depending on what site you ask, baby is either the size of a mango or an heirloom tomato. Which still seems pretty small. I still feel good, no scary events this week (thankfully). I am getting rounder and it's starting to look more like I'm pregnant and not just on a food binge. I've been lax about going to the gym since last week, after the scary incident I wanted to lay low for a little bit. Since Daylight Savings time starts this weekend it'll be easier for me to go walking in my neighborhood after work. I am a little fearful of my weight gain because of the no-gym and the Easter candy I've been putting away (darn Cadbury mini-eggs). I just need to do better in the coming weeks. 

I'm not all-the-way in maternity clothes but I'm wearing them at work almost exclusively. I got three dresses from Target.com and then a friend lent me a few more and they are sooo comfortable. Plus it's been so warm here I've been able to ditch the pantyhose. Hallelujah. 

I still haven't felt something that I would call official movement. I have had a few weird feelings, something akin to having a belly full of water but no thumping/kicking or the 'butterfly' feeling some people describe. I hope that doesn't mean anything is wrong.

One thing that is giving me concern is that we got a bill from our RE's office for things I don't think we should be paying for and I'm fighting it. The long story is we have a $5,000 lifetime maximum for infertility treatments/testing from our health insurance. Our first IVF cycle was in 2006 so that lifetime maximum was met in 2005/2006. Ever since then we've been self-pay for infertility treatments. Sometimes our insurance will pay for ultrasounds or blood work but usually not. Anyway, our clinic, which we have been patients at since 2004, has a slightly cheaper rate for people without insurance coverage if you pay the entire cycle cost in advance. So in 2010 when we did our second IVF cycle we pre-paid the fees several months before the cycle started. Of course that cycle was the cycle that ended in a chemical pregnancy. Fast-forward to August of 2011, in preparation for our third IVF cycle, we again pre-paid the fees for IVF (our cycle didn't start until the end of October). Well after our cycle ended I noticed I was getting EOB (explanation of benefits) from our insurance company about claims that had been filed by my RE's office. I was confused but thought maybe it was ultrasounds or bloodwork. Well in January we got a bill from my RE's office for somewhere in the neighborhood of $1300. Some of it for the bloodwork/ultrasounds following our positive beta and some of it for surgery, lab fees, etc. from our IVF cycle. I was highly upset because I thought that just like in 2010, everything was covered when we pre-paid. I called the office's billing department and when I told the woman my name she said "Oh yes you're insurance stopped covering your IVF cycle" to which I said "Um, we don''t have IVF coverage". It turns out the billing/insurance company called our insurance company to check for coverage (I don't know why we've had the same exact insurance for nearly nine years) and the morons at our insurance company said yes but didn't mention that we had already met our lifetime maximum. This led our clinic's billing/insurance department to file claims, which our insurance company denied and then our clinic subsequently billed us for. Needless to say I'm pissed that we did the same IVF cycle that we did in 2010 (ICSI, AH, etc), with the same insurance, pre-paid the same amount and they still think we owe. Argh. I called the billing person again today and she was going to talk to the administrator and my RE and get back to me. Obviously I can't put any amount of finally being pregnant but holy crap we've paid that clinic upwards of $40,000 over the last seven years and I hate to pay more.

On a lighter note, we're planning a vacation in April to New Mexico if everything goes well. We'll be driving, which we really like to do, and hopefully going to Santa Fe, Taos and maybe a few other small places around there. I'm really excited to drive west again and maybe my current condition won't cause us to to have to stop every five minutes.

18wks1day

I got busy last week and didn't post but luckily it was a pretty quiet week. We did get the results of our blood work earlier last Friday and it was all negative, the MFM nurse said they were the best numbers you could get. Big sigh of relief. Another hurdle crossed on the way to the finish line a take home baby. I still feel good, my need for sleep is off and on. Last Thursday I skipped out of work a little early because I was positive I was going to fall asleep on my desk. I am starting to get tired of sleeping on my side, it makes my hips hurt. I think I'm going to get one of those long skinny pillows to sleep with. No complaints really, even if I had complaints I don't care, I'm still soooooo grateful to be pregnant, I'll relish all the symptoms and inconveniences I get. I'm pretty excited about our next checkup and getting to see baby again via ultrasound. I've starting going to acupuncture every other week and I'm not sure how long I should keep going. Obviously I feel like acupuncture/Dr. Needles is a big reason why I'm pregnant but I know it's probably going to get more and more uncomfortable to lie down on the table the further along I get. Maybe I'll just ask him.

 I did have a little scare on this past Monday, which might be TMI so avert your eyes if you're squeamish..............
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On Monday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom to prevent my bladder from exploding and when I got ready to flush I saw something, um, odd in the toilet. It looked like I had blown my nose, but from my lady parts. The thing that freaked me out was that it was yellowish in color with two brown streaks. This lead to me panicking and thinking I was losing my mucus plug or something equally horrifying. I got the Doppler and easily found a strong heartbeat but I still wasn't reassured. I called my doctor's office and left a message for the nurse (it's a small office, only one doctor and only one nurse). I had to wait all day for a callback but the nurse told me that if it wasn't continuing to happen and I wasn't cramping or bleeding it was fine. So then I felt better. Although I still used the Doppler a few extra times that day.

On a less gross front, I ordered a few dresses online and one of my friends brought me a bag full of things. Last week I went to Motherhood Maternity to get a pair of jeans and lo and behold they had a pair of petite jeans in my size. Shopping there was weird though, I felt very out of place. When I went to check out the sales clerk asked me a million question, including my due date, and before I knew what was happening I was in their 'system' and she was handing me my jeans and a bag of samples and coupons.

This week we both went Facebook 'public', also our 8th wedding anniversary. We got many congratulations and good wishes and that makes us both feel very cared about.  This week I've also been thinking about a few other IF bloggers who have suffered devastating losses recently.  It just reminds me how fragile this all is.

16wks

We had our 16 weeks appointment this morning and everything continues to be going well so far. Baby's heartrate was good and strong, around 150. My blood pressure was perfectly normal and I hadn't gained any weight since my last visit, yay for going to the gym. Although after I left the doctor's office I did slink down to Dunkin Donuts for a decaf and two donuts, it was my Valentine's Day treat. Our next appointment is in 4 weeks, I'll be 20 weeks then and we'll have our big anatomy scan (but we still aren't peeking to find out the gender). Hopefully everything will be completely normal and a-okay. My second blood draw with the MFM clinic is next Monday and after that I don't know how long it will take for them to get the results to us, we're hoping and praying for good results on that end. I got the bill from the first visit to the MFM clinic, a whopping $520 (we haven't met our deductible yet). Still cheaper than IF treatments.

Most of my clothing is tightening more and more. I have one pair of jeans left that I can wear and they're barely hanging on. I'm having a hard time finding work clothes, they're either frumpy looking or they're too revealing. I have to dress conservatively for work (skirts/dresses only, elbow length sleeves and higher necklines) and trying to find maternity wear is proving difficult. I've found several really cute casual things, but nothing very appropriate for work. I'm actually ready for warmer weather because at least then I can get away with nice sandals with my outfits and no panty hose (for some reason panty hose is not a big deal).

I can't say that I feel like a 'normal' pregnant person, I still feel like I'm on ultra-high alert for problems and complications. After you've been through so much and for so long, you become afraid of getting too comfortable. You almost have to protect yourself from your own feelings, if that makes sense. Sometimes it's just hard to believe that something good, something you've wanted for so incredibly long is finally happening. The other day I was driving home from work and I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, so grateful and happy to finally be pregnant. I'm also still thinking about all the other IF bloggers out there who are still struggling and hoping for a successful cycle and a take-home baby.

15wks

Fifteen seems like such a bigger number, I'm still very grateful to be here. Everything is still good (knock on wood). I, and almost everyone in my knitting group, caught a stomach virus last week, but luckily it didn't last too long. I also decided if that was similar to morning sickness I am forever grateful I escaped it. I still have the runny/stuffy nose that doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon but that's fine. My digestive system has been a little sluggish lately so I'm stocking up on dried fruits and prune juice to help things along. 

I've been weighing myself and I don't think I've gained very much since my last doctor's appointment but I won't know until I get there since their scale is slightly different than mine. I only got to the gym one day last week because of the stomach thing but I'm hoping to get all five days in this week. 

I ordered a few more baby-things, some bibs and swaddle blankets. I left everything in the package and kept the receipt, just in case. This morning I was scanning the local news and saw a story about a pregnant woman and her husband who were in a car wreck last week. The husband died and the wife, who was about as far along as I am, lost the baby. I can't even begin to imagine how completely devastating that is for her. Then I read a story in my hometown newspaper about the sister of a guy I went to school with who had placental abruption at 24 weeks and delivered a less than 2 lb. baby. Thankfully, her baby made it and is doing well but still those stories gave me more things to worry about. Making it this far isn't a guarantee of anything, I think of all the stories I've read of other bloggers, who after years finally got a long-awaited BFP, only to have something unthinkable happen. Sometimes it seems like an incredible accomplishment for anyone to make it through pregnancy with no complications and a healthy baby, kind of like reaching the top of Everest.

Here's to hoping everyone can reach their own Everest.

14wks

Written January 31, 2012

Second trimester! So very happy and grateful right now. I feel good, the last few nights I've managed to stay up until 9:30 or 10:00 before falling asleep. My sinuses are bothering me a lot, constantly runny nose, sinus pressure, sore throat from sinus drainage. I can't find any of the approved medicine on the list my doctor gave me. Most of it is 'plain' - plain Tylenol Cold & Sinus, plain Claritin, etc. I just can't find any of those. Right now I'm just taking steamy showers (not too hot though), drinking peppermint tea and honey and plenty of water. I did take regular Tylenol on Saturday because the headache pressure would not go away. I've been trying to avoid taking very much medicine but Saturday it was just awful. 

We've started telling a few more people, I told my secondary boss (the other one has know about IVF from the beginning) he was very happy for us and I think they're going to be pretty flexible about maternity leave/bringing baby to work for a few months. I work for a very small (like 11 people total) religious organization and we're too small to qualify for FMLA. However, I've worked here for almost seven years and I have a really good relationship with my boss so I think it will work out.

It's all starting to seem more and more real. This weekend Doug and I had to run an errand next to a Babies R Us and we decided to venture in, which felt very weird. I told Doug I felt like someone was going to see me and tell me I wasn't pregnant enough to be in there. We just wandered around looking at all the baby gear, apparently babies have a lot of gear. I wanted to buy something so I picked up a pair of tiny newborn socks with puppy ears & faces on them (I still say this baby is a boy but if it's a girl she won't mind puppy socks).

My worrying has gotten slightly less severe, but it's still there in the back of my mind. Mainly I'm concerned about the risk assessment coming back really high and/or something bad happening before 24 weeks (the earliest viability). It seems like a lot of us who have battled IF have bad things happen even after that positive beta. Anyway, I'm trying to think of less scary things, I've been dreaming of how I'd decorate the nursery for ages and Doug is totally on board with my plan so I think we'll start working on it mid-March. Plus we're considering going to the beach for a week in April. I really wanted to go elsewhere but I just don't think I can get on a plane and not be able to take a Xanax or have a glass of wine. My flying anxiety is off the charts without one of those things. So instead we'll just go somewhere we can drive to within a reasonable amount of time. I'd really like some time to just veg out and eat fresh crab.

13 wks 1 day

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written January 25, 2012

We're inching ever closer to the second trimester. The NT scan with the MFM was Monday, an odd-ish experience. Our appointment was at 9AM but they told us to be there at 8:30AM. We (I) filled out a ton of paperwork and then we waited. The MFM is the only one is the area so there were a lot of people waiting. We finally got called back for the ultrasound. The sonographer couldn't have been sweeter, super nice. It was so weird having a 'real' ultrasound (non-transvaginal). I was nervous but not nearly as nervous as I've been at previous ultrasounds. Doug and I watched with total amazement as our baby appeared on screen, he/she was swallowing, moving his/her arms and legs around, we were completely entranced. The neural fold measurement was 1.something, so well within the normal limits. She also pointed out the nasal bone, stomach, bladder, placenta, femur bones, the cerebral cortex, etc. Everything looked totally normal. We got eight little pictures, four 3-D ones and four regular ones, you can find them on the little separate tab up top labeled "Ultrasounds". 

Once the ultrasound was over, we were taken to a small room and proceeded to wait f-o-r-e-v-e-r for the doctor. I thought Doug was going to have a conniption but eventually, the doctor came in. The doctor was very cut and dry, matter of fact, lacking any warm and fuzzy parts. Anyway, we decided to do the integrated

testing, which is the first trimester testing (the ultrasound + bloodwork) and then I go back in 4 weeks for another blooddraw. Then they'll take the results of the ultrasound, the bloodwork, plus my age (30) and give us a risk assessment. So we're hoping for a low risk assessment and one healthy baby. 

I feel fine, still napping in the evenings. I have developed a tiny bit of stiffness in my left back hip area, mainly after I sit for awhile. I'm still going to the gym at lunch and also still seeing Dr. Needles on Friday afternoons. My clothes are getting tighter (mainly my tights/skirts/pants) I broke down and ordered two maternity skirts from Gap.com, they fit very well but have to be hemmed because I'm on the short-side. I also got some maternity tights and panty hose, which fit well in the abdomen area but are so long. I don't have a "bump" I have more of a "ate-too-many-donuts" rounded bloat. Which is fine with me, at least it's something. 

With each day it's starting to feel more real. We've been talking about our nursery plans and possible childcare plans. It's starting to seem more real, although I'm still cautious, I've read too many stories about bad outcomes, even after 12 weeks.

12wks3days

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written January 20, 2012

We made it to 12 weeks! I know we still have a very long way to go (around 28 weeks) but this is a pretty damn big accomplishment. My 12 week appointment was on Tuesday, I gained some weight (ugh) I don't remember exactly how much because my scale at home is off from the scale at the doctor's office but my doctor didn't seem too concerned. However, it was motivation enough for me to start going to the gym the next day and start keeping a food diary. I've never been skinny and my weight hasn't really fluctuated, but I've always been a little overweight. After IVF failure #2, I lost a little weight (mostly due to depression) but I kept it off. Once IVF cycle #3 started my physical activity plummeted and has been almost non-existent since I got the first positive pregnancy test. At any rate, I don't want, nor do I need, to gain very much weight. I'm hoping to gain a maximum of 15-20 pounds (which I think is appropriate based on what the Mayo Clinic guide says). I'm not dieting by any means, but I'm being much more mindful of my choices, specifically lowering my carb intake and increasing my protein intake (which was the doctor's advice). I also decided it's much easier for me to go to the gym during lunch because the gym we belong to is closer to my work than our house. It's more difficult for me to drag myself back out once I've gotten home. The best thing about the gym is that they have brand-new equipment with personal tv screens so while you're on the treadmill/elliptical, etc. you can watch tv or surf the web, etc. Pretty great.

We didn't get an ultrasound on Tuesday but she did use the Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, which was nice and strong. Our next OBGYN appointment is February 14th, I'll be 16 weeks. Our NT scan with the MFM is on Monday morning. I'm nervous, I just want so badly for this to be the healthy baby we've waited so long for.

11wks

Note: My husband and I are currently expecting our first baby after 7 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF. I have been writing blog posts since we found out but not publishing them until now (I’m currently 13 weeks). I’ll be posting one a day until I ‘catch-up’ to current time. I ask that if you know me ‘in real life’ that you not post about this on Facebook, because while we are ecstatic to be this far, we are still being very cautious.

Written January 10, 2012

Wow. Eleven weeks. Unbelievable. I still can't believe I'm really pregnant. I feel pretty much the same, my hunger is dying down a little but I'm still sleeping a lot and I have a few other less than lady-like symptoms. The doppler I rented came last Thursday and it took us a little while but we were able to find the heartbeat, best sound ever. I'm using it once a day for just a few minutes, it's gotten a little easier to find without as much trouble. It's a beautiful sound and it's help calm my nerves frequently. Plus I think it makes Doug really excited to hear it too.

Knock on wood there's been no more spotting. I did have some light cramping a few days ago but I imagine it's just because the baby is getting bigger and stretching my uterus out more (at least I hope that's what it is). My 12 week appointment is next Tuesday and *fingers-crossed* everything will be just as it should be. Our first trimester screening appointment with the MFM doctor is the 23rd, another hurdle to clear, again lots of praying/hoping/fingers crossed that there's a healthy baby in there. We still aren't finding out the gender but I say boy and Doug says girl. I think not finding out is going to be the best surprise ever. 

I'm gradually getting more comfortable with the idea that I'm actually, truly pregnant. My work skirts are continuing to get tighter and tighter and I've found myself looking at maternity clothes online. I'm resisting buying anything for another couple of weeks though, I'm too superstitious.